What ended it
So, I'm 16 years into this relationship. And what finally made me say to hell with the financial repercussions? Lying about where he was going and who he was meeting. It's so textbook and cliche. Do I know if he was actually cheating? Nope. I expect I'll never truly know. That would depend a bit on trusting anything he says. He could lie to hurt or in an attempt to still look innocent.
I've told him it's the lies. He still tells people it's a minor thing that I'm upset about. That he was just grabbing drinks. He doesn't tell me he's telling people this. But I know he is. The same way I knew he lied. He just doesn't get it. What the hell is the point in being in a marriage if every conversation makes you want to whip out a lie detector and berate yourself for not insisting he wear a police cam on his chest to verify what's been said and where he's been? Especially when he often took the time to disable the GPS on his phone (and occasionally tossed out a “oh, yeah, GPS is really draining my phone's battery” comments — right around the time I'd find him in another lie). It was almost comical. I could predict when the app (that I'd installed on my phone when driving across the country for safety reasons, and that we had on his phone in part for medical issues) would magically show no signal.
How can someone repeatedly lie to their spouse, get caught, continue to lie (he likes to double-down and lie again — aka attempts at gaslighting) about the lying, before he'll finally admit he was lying. But then he only admits part of the lying. It's, from a clinical perspective, fascinating. I don't even know if he knows how much he lies. He loses track of what he's lied about, and then can't keep things straight that he did tell me (and didn't lie about). It's insulting to me. He not only thinks I'm an idiot (and maybe I am — I stayed with someone who I know lies to me), but he thinks it's ok to be in a relationship that requires him to lie. What the actual fuck? How do you rationalize that, and still try to play the victim? And yeah, that's the other part. He's pretending that he doesn't know why I'm doing this (that I'm overreacting) when sharing with others.
Of course, this is the same victim who hasn't bothered to try to say he wanted to save the marriage (mind you, in the letter I wrote him* telling it was over, I told him there was no fixing this). And he, within a month of a 16 year relationship ending, got onto a dating app and went on at least one date (and didn't tell me). He's also talked about moving across the country. So, willing to essentially abandon his kid (who is now 11) because I said I'm done with the lying. So... yeah, I don't see the victim he's pretending to be with his friends and family. I see the guy who's pissed he's being told he can no longer lie to his wife and just expect her to accept it. I've told him I have the evidence of the lying, and should he make himself into a martyr, I can surely share with anyone.
In the meantime, I get the “she's not being social” vibe (that I know he's saying to others). During these weird coronavirus times, he's living in the basement. Not comfy, but far from horrid. He still has full reign of the house. He's got electronics in his room, he still uses the kitchen and living room. Hell, I often still cook for all of us. We don't argue. I buy food and check to see what he wants. But I won't pretend this is something it isn't. I told him not to touch me again. And not to say things that are meaningless. But he is a needy guy. And he is wanting more attention. From wherever he can get it.
*Yes, I wrote a letter. I didn't know of any other way he'd actually listen to me. He tends to interrupt when he doesn't want to hear something, and then immediately walk away. Usually while telling me how ridiculous I am. Yeah. Not dismissive or insulting at all. I can't imagine why I've internalized all my irritations over the years... So, he got a letter — to make sure I was being heard. Then we talked. The letter was the opener. Then we had the conversation where he lied about lying until I convinced him I knew he was lying and that more lying was pointless. Once I mentioned the name of the hotel he went to, he admitted to the original lie and lied a little less in his attempt at self-defense — though, not much.