Who have I become?
I'm trying to look at my choices and behaviors over the years. Choices I've made. How I spend my time. How many things were somehow tied to all this? Sure, we're all a culmination of nature and nurture. And who we are is tied into things we've been through, relationships we've had. But how much of me today is a result of how much I've ceded to keep this relationship afloat?
Thoughts I've had...
- I know my desire to watch completely unrealistic, happily ever after movies is connected. I don't believe in happily ever after. I don't believe in soulmates. At least not the 1 predetermined, perfect match bullshit that people (literally) sell. I believe that it's likely there's someone out there who, in theory, is an almost perfect match — for anyone. But I also believe that with 7+ billion people currently on the planet and the overwhelming obstacles that exist (time, age, place, language barriers, etc.), the likelihood we'd ever meet our “best” match is infinitesimal. But, I watch those (mostly horribly acted) shows because it's an escape. Because pretending gives me a break. It's not that I think many people find that kind of fiction in real life. It is the suspension of disbelief. And my current kick is South Korean dramas. I gotta say, other than the some of the soap-opera like situations, they've got some of the sweetest moments I've seen on TV.
- I know I eat to compensate. Food doesn't lie to me or disappoint me (unless I've done a piss-poor job preparing it).
- I read to escape. And to procrastinate. I envision writing as a way I could support myself. And then I come back to reality.
- I'm a cynic. Always have been. But I don't think I regularly assumed someone was lying as my first reaction. I find that thought/reaction to be way too common for me lately. I'm saddened that I'm now painting others with this brush.
- I'm pretty confident I'll end up alone. Not in a bad way. Just in a “I've compromised on too many things for way too long” way. And I doubt I would ever be willing to risk that again.
- I feel more detached. I'm not sure if this is tied to anything. I've never had a big group of close friends. And moving doesn't help that. But maybe feeling that I need to rely only on myself for so many years, maybe that's pushed me to really feel separated. I don't dislike it. But even during this, I found out about the latest lie, decided I was done (that another confrontation and demanding I not be lied to any more was futile), and then researched and planned for weeks (maybe 6?) before I breathed a word to anyone. I used to consider him my best friend. But if your best friend repeatedly lies to you, with the intent to deceive, maybe that added to me pulling more into my head than I already had been.