Just a blog

I have these fleeting thoughts constantly. How to say it. What to say. When to say. Should I put it on Reddit? Should I weave it into a story? Is it even worth telling anyone? So I figured I would just put here here on my page as a silent post for anyone curious to read.

Sometimes when I get heavy thoughts, I don’t think my life is worth anything. Before you go all in and think “oh someone needs to call someone” or “get therapy” then you truly don’t align with my wishes or mindset. You have things. You have a support system. You have community. You have something to integrate into.

My mental state socially is just totally wrecked. The unspoken cracks of post divorce male depression are probably widely documented but once you live it and experience it, it just hits hard. Daily, I deal with thoughts of what if or dreams of connections or just going into a world that is not cold or hostile or draining.

I live my life outside of my home in transactions. “Give money for xyz, pay for this, get this, work for someone” – I rarely see the world outside my home as something meaningful or even enriching. I see stress. I see a source of anxiety. I don’t see an happy ending.

In this void of negative thoughts, create. I world build. I go to totally different places in my mind when I write my stories. I try to escape without ending things.

Right now, my cat is looking out the window. A house cat. A silent cat. A strange cat. But she says the most profound things in her communication. She just wants me breathing. Pets, Cuddles, Playtime, food. – I am her world. I have other living creatures too. They depend on me as well. My mom is still alive. I have anchors to keep me here for now.

Outlive my mom, Outlive my pets, Then decide if I want to take a nap.
I’m so tired.

If you read this, thanks for acknowledging I exist. I’ll be ok. No plans to nap right now.

—Thank you for reading and I hope you feel good. Please donate to show your support.

https://liberapay.com/shad0wgoone
keep touching yourself