Shattered

I am starting to feel alive again.

I am back on my bike and just loving my evening rides. I did 14 miles today. Soon I can start towards my goal of reaching the end of the trail. But for now I’m enjoying the speed, feeling my lungs expand with fresh, clean air. Springtime is beautiful here. I stood on my deck and watched the bats fly around at sunset. I love that we have bats here.

Last week my daughter visited for her birthday. We had such an amazing time together. For the first time in years we were able to freely enjoy each others’ company with no interference. I think it was good for both of us. Then I went and visited family. Spent precious time with my dad and two of my sisters. I can’t even begin to explain how therapeutic it is to just be in the presence with good people who love me, no matter what. They ground me. They remind me of who I am – who WE are. I am reconnecting with friends again.

My therapist gave me a list of amazing hiking spots – they are officially on my to-do list. He encouraged me to reach out to friends. We talked about me being indecisive, and he challenged me to work on making decisions.

I was asked the other day if I would go on a blind date. That was my first noteworthy decision – no. I’m not ready. Right now I’m focusing on healing and getting back to ME. The old me would have felt bad saying no and decided to give it a try. But right now I am also working on setting my boundaries, being true to myself, and saying “no” (and sticking with it) when it’s what’s best for me. I have zero information on this guy, other than he’s older than me and I trust the recommending person’s judgment. There’s a good chance he’s a good guy. If that’s the case he would respect my need for time and space. If he doesn’t, he’s not someone I should have in my life anyway. Right now my goals are to heal, get to a place where I never again tolerate mistreatment, and not allow the scars from my past to hurt another person. That means no dating until I’m back to being ME again – and have gained the strength to never again allow a man to stifle the best in me and bring out the worst. If I’m being totally honest, it was good for my ego. Lord knows after all of the verbal abuse I’ve endured, my self esteem could use a boost.