6/20/21 (Father's Day)
That last fight lasted only 2 days. Yes, I said only. A couple days later Madeline started her period. A couple days after that he wanted to talk about setting a wedding date. Last few days he's been wanting sex. Insisted last night while I was sleeping. Today he's tired, napping a lot, and has started watching Fox News again. It's probably just a matter of days.
My anxiety has been through the roof this past week. I catch myself pacing the house but can't seem to focus enough to get anything constructive done. My heart races for no reason. I'm once again relying on meds to get my IBS under control. Some days it feels like every nerve in my body is on fire, to the point where I'm physically shaking. I've had this pit in my stomach that won't go away. I'm starting to wonder if I have an ulcer. I tried taking Madeline driving twice, but can't make it more than a mile before the anxiety overwhelms me and she has to pull over to let me drive. The phantom smells have returned. I can be anywhere, doing anything and suddenly will smell smoke – but nothing is burning. That hasn't happened since I started working from home at the beginning of the pandemic .. if not longer. But it's back, and happened several times today. A few times I thought I would start stammering again. I can feel my brain glitching and my tongue struggling to form words. That's another thing that was happening back when I worked in the office and was stressed literally beyond words. I've thought about seeing a doctor for anxiety meds. It's not right. I shouldn't have to medicate to feel normal. Also, I need to be lucid.
I'm preparing to leave the next time he tells me to. I want to tell him. Deep down I still hope he will realize what he's doing to me and stop, so we can be happy together. But he's made it very clear he will never stop. I'm also terrified to bring up the subject. Bad timing, one wrong word, any misunderstanding and he will snap right back into it – using his temper and his words as weapons against me. I can't continue to live like this.
I got him a card and gift for Father's Day. (Two gifts, actually, because the first one I bought weeks ago and gave him right away – I just can't seem to hold onto gifts.) He was very appreciative. I don't think Zach even told him Happy Father's Day, and I didn't hear either of them wishing his dad or brother in law a happy father's day. I guess this family just doesn't give a shit about things like that. We went out for breakfast with his family. His parents, Dana and the kids (Stacy was working), and Zach. Tori is out of town. Madeline just simply wasn't invited. She went to church with a friend and celebrated Father's Day with her friend's family. No one even seemed to notice that she was excluded from a family event. It was refreshing watching the other teens interact. Having a good time, goofing off, chatting, enjoying each others' company. No one trying to act like they're better than anyone else. Of course they're not perfect, but it was nice to observe a family acting normal and relaxed in each others' company. The restaurant was busy and too loud to hear conversation. The food took an hour to arrive. Zach immediately started complaining about his food – even though he wasn't even hungry because he stayed out until 4 a.m. Nobody responded, so he started up again in the car when his dad could hear him. I don't think he even notices that he does it. Complaining is just habit for those two.