6/23/21
Sure enough, he worked himself into a tizzy – completely unprovoked. His “getting something to eat” didn't last long. Because what's the point of throwing a tantrum if no one is there to witness it? So instead he went to the grocery store for some fried chicken. When he came back he acted like everything was fine and suggested going to see his cousin. Next thing I know he's tearing through the house frantically cleaning. Emptied both garbage cans, did the dishes, swiffered the whole house, put the cardboard out to burn, put the couch cushion cover (that one of the dogs puked on a couple days ago) in the washing machine), even “cleaned” the bathrooms. (By “cleaned” I mean made a racket scrubbing one toilet, dumped all his bathroom stuff into a drawer and hastily wiped down his sink – it's still dirty). All of this in the course of maybe 30-45 minutes. He never does this. When we first met he pretended to be clean, but by the time we came up to Wisconsin that façade had faded. Sometimes he'll sweep or mop, but he leaves stuff all over the place, rarely wipes down a counter or rinses a dish and NEVER dusts or scrubs a toilet. Nothing gets things put away. There's stuff all over the garage and basement, random junk laying around the yard, clutter all over the counters, a pile of mail that hasn't been gone through in 6 months, piles of laundry (clean or dirty?) on the bedroom floor (yes, again). I'm constantly walking through the house picking up trash or putting things away. So when he did this last night I seriously wondered if I was witnessing a manic episode. I ignored him. (It's worth noting that several weeks ago he blatantly admitted to refusing to do anything around the house for THREE MONTHS to make me see how little everyone else does – as if I don't already know that.)
When he eventually tired of his tirade he found me outside and started complaining that no one does anything25)? It's not fair to expect Zach to do chores because he works so much. (His choice. I'm sure he does it to avoid having to be here.) How can he expect Zach to help out around here when he has so much laundry to do? (Um, Put a load in and do something productive while it washes?) He's stressed because he “works all day” (5-6 hours/day) then comes home and has to work on stuff. (Projects that I can't really help with. Right now he has a trench dug in the backyard to replace a septic pipe. It looks like a grave.) Then he doesn't get to do fun things that he likes. If he does something with me, then his work here gets backlogged. (I get it. Daily life and projects backing up can be stressful. But that's life. I think they call it “adulting.”)
He started accusing Madeline of doing “nothing” around here. He frequently forgets that her chores get done daily (trash, feed cats, litter, keep the kitchen clean), claims she hadn't done them in several days, or accuses me of doing them for her (which I do – ONLY when she's in school all day and working until 9:30 p.m.). I told him there's a lot of things that get done that he simply doesn't notice, and that I've been giving her extra tasks since school is out (cleaned the bathroom, helped me weed the garden – properly – swept the mudroom, whatever I can find). He got mad that Zach mowed the lawn and she didn't trim the edges. I told him I forgot that we had agreed to that arrangement (an entire year ago) and would have appreciated a reminder so I could have her do it. He accused her of sleeping until 9 or 10 every morning, then sitting around all day, and rushing out of the house before he gets home. Clearly he doesn't see that I make sure she's up by 7:00 a.m. every day of the week, that her chores are done by 9:00, that she's doing hours of summer school work every day, and when she's not doing chores, summer school, at her job, or exercising, I'm keeping her busy with other tasks – like cleaning or following up on job applications. So this morning I told her every day she has to do 2 extra tasks. I will keep a log and take before and after pictures – for the next time he decides to accuse her of doing “nothing.” Why does it have to be like this? I shouldn't have to report to him.
He also accused Madeline of telling people that he's abusive. Lectured me about how this is a small community and while he doesn't know the source, it “got back to him.” It was all I could do not to inform him that if he's so concerned about his reputation in this community, perhaps he should conduct himself like the person he wants people to believe he is – even (especially) in his own home. It could have easily been a neighbor overhearing something – there's been plenty of opportunities. Our arguments aren't exactly quiet, and when the wind blows, sound travels. I also did call him rude, disrespectful, and abusive in a recent argument on the back patio (in response to the slurs and insults he was hurling at me).
He accused Madeline of being the reason for my anxiety. I told him his temper causes my anxiety.
He told me that while he was working yesterday he got this sudden feeling of dread that I was packing up my stuff and leaving him. I just looked at him. Said it was an awful feeling. I told him I can imagine it would be. I wanted to tell him that's exactly what will happen if he doesn't stop telling me to leave. Learn to reign in his temper.
Thankfully, he managed to calm down before getting to the name-calling and throwing me out of HIS house part. There's still time to revisit that. That was only Day 1. It was nice to go to bed not mad at each other. I had a massive headache through the entire ordeal.
I woke up at 4 a.m. with severe pelvic pain. It started to scare me when it wouldn't go away. I have a history of ovarian cysts, but that hasn't happened since I was a teenager – which then lead me to wonder if it could be an ectopic pregnancy. Thankfully, it eventually subsided. When I told him about it this morning his response was to talk about some article he was reading on Fox News. I guess a school board meeting in a random state he's never been to is more important.