7/2/21
It's been a week. Monday and Tuesday he didn't work because of rain. The rest of the week I've been consumed with other stuff (more on that later). It's difficult to find time to write when Garrett is home. I'm expected to devote my time and attention to him when he's here. One day last week he came home early. I was getting sick of sitting around (and cleaning to keep busy) so I sat down at my computer to look for jobs. “What are you doing?” “Can't you do that tomorrow when I'm not here?” Of course, the expectation is not the same for him. He does whatever he wants and I'm expected to accept it without saying a word. He seems to always have his face in his phone, reading articles on Fox news, texting someone, or talking on the phone. I can literally be mid-sentence and his phone will ring and he'll answer it. Last week we were walking into a bar for dinner and his phone rang, so he answered it. Talked as we walked across the parking lot, but was still talking as we got to the door and walked inside. So now I'm inside a crowded bar, looking for a place to sit, and he's ignoring me talking on his phone. So rude. When he did get off his phone his turned his back completely and started playing on the slot machine directly behind him. I couldn't even watch what he was playing because he was directly between me and the machine. So I just sat there, alone, looking around. The other night we were in a restaurant having dinner. His phone buzzed and he immediately picked it up. I spent the next 15 minutes watching him look at his phone. I finally asked if he wanted to invite them to dinner. It was the guy he is doing the side job for with a list of complaints. I told him it could wait and hour. Of course it couldn't. He just HAD to address it at that very minute. I could sense he was angry and would say something stupid. Told him it probably wasn't a good idea to respond immediately. He just picked up his phone and proceeded to respond to every single thing the guy said. Another 10 minutes. Really fucking rude. And terrible for business relationships. You don't get referrals and recommendations by mouthing off at your customers. He wants to start a business, but he'll have a terrible time getting it off the ground acting like that. AND he could damage Keith's reputation. People speak highly of Keith. But if word gets out that he's got a jackass working for him or doing his side jobs they may be inclined to take their business elsewhere. I certainly would! Keith is known for being trustworthy and reasonable with his pricing. Garrett is already marking up materials.
I was able to have lunch with Tori after all. Garrett and Zach had to work in the morning after all. I just told him I brought her some eggs. I'm really glad we had a chance to hang out. She is such a ray of sunshine. A really sweet girl, just trying to heal from an abusive childhood. I was pretty sure he was abusive to his ex-wife, and probably the other exes (and their children) as well, but it never occurred to me he did the same things to his kids. Name calling, pitting his girlfriend against her, throwing things at her (!!), telling her she couldn't come home or sleep in the house, actually kicking her out – as a teenager! She mentioned that she still flinches if Chris gets upset, and gets nervous if he starts to clean or gets the vacuum out. Well, that explains the rage-cleaning episode the other day. She calls it “cleaning AT you.” Very accurate description. It sounds like Chris is better to her than her dad ever was. Contrary to what he claims, she doesn't actually put the full blame on him or side with her mother. I commented that her mom must be a saint for putting up with his shit for as long as she did. “Oh no, she's not!” She is able to see how each parent contributed to their problems, and what they did to each other. That girl's eyes are wide open. He assumes that she blames him for everything just because she keeps in contact with her mom. I shouldn't be surprised.
I told Tori I was worried about Zach. As far as I can tell, he has never had a good example of a healthy relationship. I don't want him adopting his dad's behaviors as his own and treating women the same way. She assured me that he is very well aware that the way he acts is wrong. It's why he doesn't have a temper. He is very careful not to get angry the way his dad does. And they talk. “Remember when ____ happened? That wasn't right, was it?” Thank God! I was (still am) worried that the two of them would drift apart because of the way their dad acts towards Tori. Zach is already estranged from his mom and her side of the family because of his dad. He doesn't need to lose Tori too. She has tons of family – their mom's side of the family, and now getting to know her bio dad and his side of the family – but she is the only family Zach has left. I've also noticed that Zach is drifting from his dad's side of the family as well. He doesn't hang out with his cousin or check in with his grandparents as often as he used to. I can't help but wonder if it has something to do with the way Garrett talks about them or avoids spending time with them. He has been doing a lot of fishing with Dana lately. I hope they keep that up. Dana seems like a great guy and a much better father figure.
She also told me Zach doesn't hate Madeline (despite what his dad claims) – he actually likes her. Wishes he could hang out with her, but it causes too many problems with his dad. I hope she's helped Madeline understand that too. Garrett is the one that pitted them against each other, and everyone can see it.
It's becoming very clear to me that Garrett's behavior is destroying his relationships and ruining his life. Eventually he will drive away his own son, his pride and joy. Then what will he do? Zach does seem to be the only person that can get through to him. Will he finally realize what he's doing? Or will he become a bitter, lonely old man? He's already well on his way.
Sunday was Myles' graduation party. Lots of family and law enforcement officers (Dana's colleagues) present. He proudly introduced me as his fiancé, which sparked a very awkward (for me) conversation with his cousin about dates and venues. He also made a point to introduce me to several of the officers and talk about old times. I get it, you know the entire Village of Summit police force. Doesn't mean they won't do their job if I need them.
I should probably mention that the day after Garrett's last temper tantrum Madeline told me she was bleeding – again. Too soon, but once again confirms he was PMSing.
Speaking of PMSing. Winnie still hasn't been fixed. Several weeks ago I told him that it should probably happen before she goes into heat again. He said he would have Zach find a clinic. Weeks went by and still nothing. The other day I commented that she's will be going into heat soon. He got angry, assumed I was nagging him about getting her fixed, said he'll make Zach make an appointment (which he did). I told him I'm not saying it to get on his case, I'm saying it because I'm noticing signs that she's about to go into heat. Sure enough, the very next day as I'm getting into bed I notice blood on the sheets. She's in heat. Why does nobody ever listen to me? I really don't want to deal with this again.
So not only is Garrett sensitive to human hormones, he reacts to dog ones as well. He's been acting moody again, but until yesterday doing a fairly decent job of keeping a lid on it. Yesterday morning I wanted to use the TV to listen to music, but couldn't get it to turn on – so I texted Garrett. Ended up getting upset because I STILL can't figure out how to work the TV in “my” home, but everyone else can. Here's our conversation:
G: We need to work on finding positive please
E: I've been saying that for a long time.
E: But it's not right that I am never allowed to be frustrated. I have feelings too.
G: I know but we are focusing and latching onto everything that's negative. And you feeling you don't have a home sucks. I don't know what else I can do.
E: Yes you do
G: What
E: Can I answer that without you getting angry?
G: I'm not going to get angry.
E: Stop throwing me out. Stop insulting and demeaning me. Using your words as weapons to get your way. Stop pointing the finger. It's not necessary to blame someone else for everything that goes wrong. Shit happens. Getting angry never makes it better. Consider my feelings when you do things. Or how you would feel if it was me doing that thing. Think about what I might want or need. Or ask me (and then listen). Make me more important than your temper.
G: I will work on my reaction and hopefully Everyone will work on the issues.
E: Do you think we're not?
By the time he got home he was ready for a full blown rage. Apparently he had a rough day at work. He and Keith got into it (shocker). The AC here stopped working several days ago, so he had a guy coming out to put in a new one (he has a backup). But when the guy came, it was just to look at it. Won't be able to work on it until next Wednesday. It would cost $2,800 to replace the unit (but he doesn't have to, because he has a backup!) Told Zach to mow the lawn, but something is wrong with the lawn mower. It's smoking and he smells oil. (He knew that, because it was doing it last time he mowed it – two weeks ago.) So he started ranting about how much it's going to cost to fix it. “Everyone is gonna have to suck it up and stop complaining because I have to have the lawn mower fixed!” Then he started going on about the TV not working. Started to accuse Madeline of unplugging something or changing the settings (here comes the blaming I was talking about). Starting making shit up to yell at me about. Accused me of constantly complaining, yelling at him about everything (because I spoke up when he tracked in mud right after the floor had been mopped – two days in a row), claims I hate the dogs, etc. Got himself worked up in no time. Yelling, putting his finger in my face, storming around, following me around, slamming doors, getting in my face. I told him to be very careful where he takes this. “YOU be careful!” (finger in my face) I decided to get away before he got to the name-calling part, so I told him I'm going to the store. Followed me out the door yelling (“don't come back!”) and acted like he wouldn't let me get in the car or would block me from driving away. “Don't come back!” He caught himself before making too much of a scene this time (I'm sure the neighbors are watching now) and I was able to get away. Unfortunately, because of the way he was acting I wasn't able to grab any of my stuff. Went to Walmart to grab some things and let him cool off.
G: You will never be happy here. It's very clear. I get it. Everything positive from this home is gone. Drained! I can't fix it. And sick of being the fall guy for other people's misery!
G: And you want to talk about busting ass? Walk in my shoes for a day.
E: So much for not getting angry.
G: I could tell things where going bad the day you grounded her. It's been fucking miserable. You actually had the balls to attack me for not answering my phone. Even though you never call and always text. Once again set me up for someone else's bad behavior. Just needed to lash out. I've tried everything I can I'm fucking exhausted ! I'm sick of the gloom and doom around here. It's getting to the point I don't want to come in my own home. You hate the dogs, everything gets on your nerves. I don't see anyone helping Zack and I. No instead candy crush is the way to go. Apparently that's not making you happy either.
E: You're right. It was ballsy to say anything to you about anything. Because your response is to lash out. I'm sick of living in fear of your temper. I've also been afraid to say this: if you keep telling me to leave I will. Choose wisely.
G: I'm sick of being your fall guy for unhappiness. It emotionally draining. If your not happy here it is what it is. I can't keep you happy
G: You can't say a single positive thing about anything. Gloom and doom
I would have got a hotel room, but I had nothing but my purse on me. And then the IBS decided to flare. So I had to come back. Thankfully (or maybe not) he had calmed down by the time I got back. On the couch watching Fox News (because THAT's positive). Poor Zach was upset. Sounds like Garrett was acting like a tyrant all day. (Garrett later mentioned being mad at Zach for being out so late the night before. And Keith for “being an ass.”)
Madeline got a job at Mama D's. Had a second interview yesterday and started today. I haven't told Garrett yet, because the sooner he knows, the sooner he will start thinking of ways to get mad about that and finding something to blame her for – even though we've wanted her to work at Mama D's for a long time because they have better hours (eliminating the scheduling issues) and is right off the bike trail (eliminating the transportation issue). I don't mind driving her to and from work, but it makes him angry.
He still hasn't released my phone number to me. I haven't started applying for jobs because I know he will hold that number hostage (or turn my phone off) the next time he throws me out. He's done it before. I can't be in the middle of the hiring process and then have nobody able to reach me because he threw a temper tantrum and turned it off. So I activated a new line on a backup phone (took several days because of issues with the SIM card) and set up google voice to have calls come to my primary line. I tested it out and there's a little bit of a delay, but it works. Now I can FINALLY start looking for a job!!!
I need to find a safe place to stash getaway bags where I can grab then quickly the next time he goes into a rage. I wish I could just get away for a few days, just to rest and clear my head, but of course that would spark yet another tantrum. I'm not yet prepared to hit the road. Ideally, I'd like to get a job, start working, find a place (maybe even buy a house?) and get out of here. Sometimes I think about letting Zach rent a room from me. Once we're gone, Garrett will have no one else to abuse and will turn his attention on Zach. He doesn't need that. Besides, these kids are awesome – in spite of it all. I really want to keep them both.