APRIL
4/16/21
“I don't want your money”
“Don't do my laundry”
“Don't clean up the dog poop”
“I didn't want to go fishing with you”
“Asshole”
“Bitch”
“Cunt” (about Madeline this time)
“Narcissist”
“Pack your shit and get the fuck out”
“Liar”
“You're selfish”
Compared me to Stephanie and her “rules.” Refuses to see all the rules are set by him. Any rules I set he overrides or undermines.
“Fuck off”
No longer wants Madeline's schedule on the refrigerator – doesn't want to see it. Ripped the calendar off the fridge.
She can work 2 nights a week.
Informed me Zach is doing his laundry tomorrow (Saturday is Madeline's laundry day and he gets angry if she doesn't get hers done)
4/17/21
Snatched my phone out of my hand threw it on the floor & stomped on it.
Said Zach is looking for an apartment.
“Fat ass”
It's getting worse. He's now going from pleasant conversation to shouting to name-calling to telling me to leave in record time. He's no longer trying to hide the shouting and name-calling from the kids. I honestly thought he was going to hit me this morning when he reached for my phone. I have no doubt that one day he will if he doesn't learn to control his anger – SOON! Some days I wonder if the only reason he hasn't yet is because his son lives with us.
I feel trapped in this house. I have no friends here. No family. No job. No way of getting out of the house. He talks about me to his friends and family. They think I'm a monster. Talk trash about Madeline.
He had Zach change the Wi-Fi password today.
He took his ring off and threw it on the counter, then put it next to the bathroom sink so I took it. I'm still wearing mine.
4/18/21
Apologized for calling me names and calling me fat. Said he will have Zach change the Wi-Fi back.
Said he will take my phone in to have the screen fixed.
I hate that the IBS flares up whenever we fight. It'll probably take a week to get it back under control.
Bruise on my arm.
Yesterday my left eye socket hurt. Not sure what that's about.
Asked for his ring back.
Tori was over after taking Madeline driving. Got to talking about politics. He got pissed and stormed off.
Tired all the time – another reason I think he has low T.
4/19/21
I didn't do any of the things I planned this weekend. The fight consumed everything. A bike ride, buy hiking boots, Madeline and I both desperately need haircuts. But I don't dare do anything with her, for fear that it will make him angry. He hates her. Doesn't matter what either of us do, he just accuses her of putting on a show and me of coddling her.
The dogs hate when we fight. Winnie especially, because she's been around longer. She worries about me. Tries to comfort me.
Zach just changed the Wi-Fi password back. But he's been hiding in his room again. It will take a while for the awkward tension to ease.
His parents came over for lunch yesterday. We all pretended to act normal, but I know he's said things about me to them. I just don't know how awful.
When he's angry he tells me “everyone” tells him to let me go. I ask if they know the whole story or just his version. Of course I know the answer to that.
He called me a cunt Saturday as I was leaving to buy him cigarettes.
I always do his laundry.
This weekend he made a point to do his and left mine piled up. I couldn't do mine because everyone else was doing theirs. He still hasn't put his away. It's a daily struggle to be the better person and not stoop to his level. Some times I slip, and then I regret it. He knows exactly how to push my buttons. He then gets outraged when I stand up for myself. It's like he expects me to just bend over and take it. He also gets mad when I don't respond – pushes harder until I do. Like an attacker inflicting pain until they get the satisfaction of a scream.
I think he gets a thrill out of fighting. Makes him feel powerful. It destroys me.
I'm not the person I was a year and a half ago. I've completely lost myself.
4/20/21
I'm spotting today. I don't menstruate because of the IUD. But I do sometimes get symptoms (breast tenderness, pimples) when Madeline does. Garrett, on the other hand, seems to lose his mind with even the slightest fluctuation of hormones in this house. It's too soon and I had no warning, which is probably why this last spat threw me so hard. No chance to brace myself. I had her on depo to control her cycles, but she's overdue because I lost my health insurance with my job. ($1,400/mo for COBRA!!). Regardless, hormones don't justify abuse.
He's loving again. Trying to pick up where we left off. He doesn't seem to realize there's a lot of damage to repair. One step forward, two steps back.
The dogs haven't eaten this morning because they ran out of food. I guess it's just taken for granted that I make sure their pets are taken care of.
He finally told Zach to take Winnie to the vet to find out if she's pregnant. It's been almost 2 months. Of course neither dog is fixed because they don't take care of their pets and I don't have that decision-making authority. Ruger has never been to the vet or vaccinated. Winnie has chronic ear infections. I'm the only one in the house that consistently notices when it's bothering her. The only one that cleans her ears. Yet I get called “selfish.”
Finally doing my laundry today. His is piling up. I wonder if he expects me to do it?
Came across this quote last night: “If you wish to control others you must first control yourself” (in the context of leadership).
I told him over the weekend his words are a reflection of HIS character – not mine.
Looks like no one emptied the lint catcher this week. Lucky the house didn't catch fire.
Garrett and Zach both have piles of clean laundry in the laundry room. That poor kid has never been taught how to clean. I shudder to think how his apartment will look/smell when he moves out. I hope he doesn't treat women like his dad does.
I caved and bought dog food. It's not right to let them go hungry because their owners neglect them.
4/21/21
Garrett isn't feeling well. He has a cough and his sinuses are bothering him. He says he thinks he's getting sick. A guy he has been working with tested positive for Covid last week. Could this be another possible trigger to explain why he's been so cranky?
4/22/21
Selfish. The word keeps resonating through my head. I want to tattoo it on my arm or write it in sharpie on my bathroom mirror. I think about it every time I do something for someone else.
Clean his house. Selfish.
Fold his laundry. Selfish.
Pick up dog poop.
Pick up the coffee cups, clothes, and trash he leaves laying around.
Send him money I don't owe him.
Buy groceries. Pay the electricity bill ($400 again thanks to the 12 garage lights – 48 fluorescent bulbs – and air compressor almost always on)
Take care of his dogs.
Pack him a lunch.
Rub his back.
Satisfy him sexually while I go without.
ALL SELFISH!
I can't help myself. I hate living in a mess and I'm caring by nature.
He keeps talking about doing something this weekend. Even though he told me several times we won't be doing anything until his truck is done. At least 2 weeks. For 6 weeks. Told me he didn't want to go fishing with me that weekend we did, and didn't want to go to Onalaska the other weekend. I spent $300 on an AirBnb and boat rental, plus another $300 on sexy lingerie – I was so excited! Waste of money.
SELFISH.
Unappreciated is probably the more accurate term.
4/26/21
Garrett got mad at Zach the other day. Spent quite a bit of time yelling at him. I did my best to stay out of earshot, but I did hear the word “bitch” and I heard him compare Zach to his sister and then his mom (ouch). Zach sounded like he was near tears. This is the first time (in a year and a half) that I've heard him yell at Zach the way he yells at me (and Madeline). Except it didn't last nearly as long. When I came home from picking up Madeline they were talking about sandpaper like nothing happened. Maybe that's why he expects me to bounce back immediately after a fight? I'm just now realizing I've stumbled in on a really fucked up family. There's no expectation of respect. The females appear to be held to a much higher standard, but if Zach shrugs something off that's okay. With Garrett things aren't right or wrong – they're right or justified. He loves to talk about his boundaries – yet he's pushed almost all of mine – more time than I can count. When I call him on it, or any of his other double standards, he justifies it. He has mentioned multiple times that he's really bothered by their argument. That's good. He seems to be realizing that his words and actions are really hurting other people. At the same time, I'm struggling to not take offense that he can't see that he's hurt me so much more deeply – and repeatedly. To borrow his words, it's a “slap in the face.”
We went to church yesterday for the first time in ages. For once he didn't refuse when I suggested it. I thought maybe he was avoiding Riverglen because that's where he went with Steph (even though he insisted on going there early on) so I suggested the church Dan and Kathy have been going to. He opted for Riverglen. They are in the middle of a series on emotionally healthy relationships. This week's message was about listening. The pastor quoted James 1:19 multiple times “... be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” Speak with respect and honesty. Don't interrupt or talk over the other person. Put yourself in their shoes.
Me: “How are we supposed to move forward, plan a wedding, when you keep telling me to leave?”
Him: “Madeline ...”
Me: That doesn't justify calling me names”
Him: “She ...”
Me: “You're not listening to me”
Him: “I hear every word you say”
Me: “I'm trying to talk about us and you're talking about her”
Him: “She's the reason for all our problems” (yelling)
“You're so full of hate!”
Every once in a while he'll spew this at me. Usually in the height of his anger, after several hours of complaining/yelling about Madeline and calling me names. It's almost like he's yelling at his own demons, or projecting them onto me.
For as long as I can remember, Garrett has been talking about finishing the basement. Build a bedroom, a sitting room, a bathroom, and maybe a small kitchenette. There is one walled in room that Zach used as a place to hang out, watch tv, play video games, play guitar. I used it for a while to work, but that caused problems. I think Zach was miffed about having to share his play room. It's a large room. I kept my desk in a corner, and usually only used it when he was at work or school (or sleeping in). Still, my stuff would get moved around. Once, when we were out of town, he moved my stuff out of the room – just piled it in the middle of the basement – so he could hang out with his friends. I try hard not to treat Zach like Garrett treats Madeline, so I didn't make a big deal of it. We have talked extensively about plans for the basement and privacy issues with Madeline's bedroom being right off the living room and right next to ours. I also struggle with working from home because I don't have a quiet place to work (or exercise). Zach talked Garrett into building him a huge bedroom in the basement (in what is currently storage). Madeline would take Zach's room to give us privacy, and I would use Madeline's room for an office and workout room. I've told Garrett several times I would pay for the materials and help h8im build it. I just need him to pick them up because I don't have a truck. Zach got excited and moved half of the storage stuff into the walled room. Now it's unusable. The whole basement is. There's just stuff everywhere. Recently, Garrett decided he's not going to do it. Told me several times during arguments. Why? Because he doesn't want to spend the money to build something that would benefit Madeline. Never mind that I told him I would pay for it. Or that I need a space of my own. I've actually been waiting to get a job thinking we could use this time to do that – instead he's been working on his truck. I STILL need a place to work! Never mind that this would be Zac's space – not mine or Madeline's – or that it would give us more privacy. Not to mention, it would substantially increase the value of his home. Honestly, the layout of this house is stupid. None of that matters. Everyone must suffer because he refuses to do anything that might slightly benefit her. Yesterday he told me he wants to get working on the permit to work on the basement. Why? Because Zach want to move down there. I guess it came up in their argument the other day. But he doesn't want to give Madeline Zach's room (which is bigger) ... because he doesn't want her to benefit from this in any way. So we will still have the privacy issue. So petty and stupid.
He has admitted he hats her (New Years). I thought about renting her an apartment to get her away from him. But she's too young and they're pricey out here. Plus, he would get angry every time I go see her. Seriously, his hatred consumes him.
I told him last week it would be stupid of me to pay for improvements to a home I don't own. Especially when he keeps threatening to throw me out. He agreed.
4/28/21
The IBS is slowly getting better. I still have to be careful in the mornings.
He did his own laundry again over the weekend. Now it's in a big pile on the floor. (Have I mentioned that the carpet still reeks of dog piss? Guess I'll have to take care of that myself).
I fell into the toilet yesterday because he left the seat up. This is a new thing since he got angry when Madeline said something about Zach dribbling on the seat and leaving it. His “Solution” (ie. vindication) was to tell Zach to leave the seat up (WTF?). And then he started doing it himself (seriously, WTF?!) He is actively teaching his son to be a terrible, disrespectful, vindictive partner. I don't know any woman that tolerates this. And I don't know any man that loves and respects his partner that does this. It's gross. Rude. He never used to do this. EVER. It's such a “simple” (his favorite word) thing, but it speaks volumes. I'm tempted to ask if all his women put up with this, or if I'm the first one he disrespects. Of course, that would make him angry.
He caught himself finishing my sentence the other day. There's some progress.
He commented last night that we need to set a wedding date and start planning. I just looked at him. Didn't know what to way without making him angry. I guess he didn't take me seriously 6 months ago when I told him I need at least 30 days without being told to leave to feel confident it has stopped and to start planning. I think his record was 35 days – but then he did it again. I guess he didn't believe me last week when I told him I won't marry a man that calls me names. Why would anyone? How can you plan a wedding when you're constantly on the verge of a break-up? How is a woman supposed to entrust her life to a man that repeatedly and intentionally hurts her? Every time he does it he resets the clock. Pushes the date back another 30-60 days. We want a small beach wedding. At this rate it won't happen this year either. It's already almost May.
4/29/21
The last week or so he's been very lovey with me. Hugging, kissing, holding me all night, wants sex in the morning. (Morning sex before I'm fully awake is difficult for me, and foreplay has become a thing of the past.) Yesterday morning he got what he wanted. Last night I felt his mood shift. He's distant. Won't touch me. Won't cuddle in bed. Borderline grouchy. Woke up early. Popped up out of bed and immediately got fully dressed. Made himself coffee and went into the garage and started sanding his truck. (He swore he was done and just waiting for paint). When he finally emerged he started interrogating me about Madeline's track schedule. I guess he got it in his head that she's not actually on the track team, she's just hanging out after school. So now I get to waste my time dealing with that. Today I have to spy on her at practice to prove that's what she's doing. He picks apart everything she does, hunting for something – anything – done wrong to feed his anger addiction. If he doesn't find anything he'll make something up. He WILL get his fix no matter what it takes. Looks like we're back on eggshells. Who am I kidding? I'm always on eggshells. Any little thing could trigger an episode. He once started a fight over me sitting on the couch. Said it was “out of character” and accused me of not wanting a real relationship. I was scared to sit on the couch for several months after that. I flinch every time the cats meow. He threw a tennis ball at Annie last night. Of course the dogs' antics don't bother him – because they're his. I guess we're back on a 2-week cycle.
Zach still hasn't taken Winnie to the vet.
The other day Zach informed Garrett that Nintendo switches can be modified (by changing settings) to act as a smart phone – to access apps, the internet browser, and social media. Zach put it in Garrett's head that Madeline has been doing that with hers – her Christmas present from me.
Note: she now has a flip phone and her 2019 Christmas present – a Surface Pro for drawing – is still in my possession because he demands that she have no internet access whatsoever. I thought he was going to lose his shit when he found out she could access Google Maps from her flip phone. I swear his eyes went black.
Anyway, he wouldn't believe me when I told him I'm pretty sure she has no idea how to do any of that. She's not tech savvy. Can't even cover her tracks when she does something. So the next day while she was at school I went through her switch. Of course I was right. No social media use. No apps other than games I had previously approved and YouTube (which is blocked from her school computer). Her YouTube history showed instructional videos on pole vaulting and sewing. So scandalous! I also confirmed the system settings were NOT changed to allow internet browser use. I set up parental controls, put the setting to preteen, and made sure none of those things can be accessed (even YouTube) to prevent any further accusations. Now she can only access 2 of her games. Such bullshit.
Zach is an official member of Team Attack Madeline. I should mention that he regularly stays up all night playing video games online with his buddies, sleeps past 11:00 every day, and lies to his dad about where he is and what he's doing. Garrett, of course, is blind to it all. He's too distracted obsessing over Madeline.
4/30/21
“I love you. I'm the luckiest guy alive.”