He put his hands on me again.
Multiple times.
This time it was more than a brief shove. It was prolonged. Hands on both of my shoulders. Then completely wrapped his arms around me from behind as I tried to get away from him. Once in the kitchen, once in the bedroom. Blocked me several times. I did my best to not engage .. escalate.
A lot has happened since I last wrote. Way too much to write about right now.
I threw away a chance with a really good man. One who loves God and actively encourages the growth in my relationship with Him. One who was always kind to me and truly spoiled me, simply out of the goodness of his heart. I ended up hurting him and I hate myself for that.
Around my birthday Garrett did something truly awful. Around Thanksgiving (a week later) I gave him another chance. He seemed SO apologetic. Remorseful. About (almost) everything (not quite, but better than ever before). I thought he was different this time. Believed he really was trying. Cautiously allowed him another chance to mend things. And then yesterday, while I was working, he worked himself into another one of his moods. Wouldn't let it go. We had plans to go to Keith's party. I took the day off from my second job for the occasion. But he wanted to complain about said second job. Wouldn't let it go. Wants me to quit. Claims it's for my “health”. Truth is, it cuts into his time with me. Never mind that I've cut back my hours for him. Never mind that he has seen me literally every single day for one reason or another since the day before Thanksgiving. But that's not enough. He wants ALL of it! It's just a matter of time before he starts bitching about my day job too. And my church. And time spent with friends I've made in church or elsewhere. As it is, I have minimal control over my time and my schedule. My home is falling apart. I never have time to clean, or even just relax. He blames this second job, where I work 1-2 days a week. Not the fact that within 20 minutes after my shift ends at my day job he's at my house (if not WHILE I'm trying to work) or I'm expected to be on my way to him (if not already working from his house). I haven't had time to clean, do laundry, Christmas shop/decorate, or even grocery shop. Even my morning time I've set aside to read my bible and pray has suffered. Because most nights he wants to be here or me there – which means my morning time is gone. NO time to myself! But he decided to complain about a second job that takes up way less of my time and gives me an opportunity to get out of the house and around people. And wouldn't drop it. Just kept going. And going. I tried everything I could to avoid arguing. But he demands responses. Then gets offended. He bitched all the way to Keith's. We got about a block away and he turned around and headed back home. Almost home he turned around and headed back to Keith's. Still arguing. We eventually made it inside and stood around awkwardly for about an hour, then left. Argued all the way back to his house. He continued with the conversation. As usual, brought it around to several unrelated topics. Then decided he wanted to go to a bar. I told him I wanted to go home because he refused to stop arguing. That wasn't acceptable, so I went with him. Spent a little time there, but he continued the argument IN the bar. So we left. But as I was waiting to cash out (yes, I've been paying lately, because he's unemployed and broke) he bumped into an old friend. Then, of course, got mad that he couldn't hang out with said friend. I insisted on driving. I barely drank and he was acting erratic by then. At one point he told me to let him out so I pulled over. He refused to get out. Instead started shouting at me. “Just SHUT UP!” And many other things. When we got to his out he was out of the car before I could even stop the car. Went inside and locked me out. Problem is my stuff was inside – most importantly, my work equipment. Told me to come back another day for it. I knew this wasn't something that wouldn't calm down in the next couple of days and I couldn't have him holding my belongings and work equipment hostage again. (Yes, again.) I have a key. Tried the first door, but it didn't work. Tried the front door and that opened. He blocked the door and tried to stop me from coming inside. Grabbed me and said he would call the cops. I told him I just wanted to grab my things and leave. Tried to walk away, out of his grasp, but he wrapped his arms around me from behind and forced me into the kitchen. I almost smacked my eye on a cabinet twisting to get away from him. (Maybe I should have .. evidence. But he would just justify and blame me.) When he finally let go I started to gather my things. He made a scene of “helping” .. then took my things away and wouldn't give them to me. Tried to force me to stay. In the bedroom getting my personal belongings he grabbed me again. Wouldn't let go.
I broke down.
Ugly cried.
Terrified. Afraid I would never get out.
Hysterical.
“What are you doing?” “You're hurting me!”
“Do you have any idea how much I love you?”
Me thinking: “this isn't love, love doesn't do this!”
“Don't ever put your hands on me again!” “Get your hands off me!”
At one point it was “here you go with the abuse thing again. Are you in fear for your life right now?
“Actually, yes! I never thought you would actually DO these things! This behavior would never change!” In fact, they will keep getting worse and he will continue justifying them.
Several times I thought about pushing the panic button on my phone. Maybe I should have. But I feared the police wouldn't come in time. Or ... their presence would make things worse. I just had to find a way to get out safely.
Somehow I managed to get out of the house with my things (or most of them, I don't know. At least I have my work stuff. The rest I don't care about.)
He followed me out and blocked my car door, tried to stop me from getting in.
Eventually he let me go. Probably afraid that making a scene outside would alert the neighbors.
I honestly have no idea where the dogs were during all this. They cower when we fight. Winnie used to try to defend me, but now she just hides. Ruger too. I feel so bad for them. Ruger especially. He is MY dog. He has no idea what's going on. Truly loves me more than anyone ever has. But he's a big baby. I don't blame him.
Several angry text messages and missed phone calls from him through the night. Lots of blaming. Calling me selfish. Not once did he acknowledge his actions, or their effect on me.
On the way home I started to notice pain in the left side of my abdomen. Worried that I pulled something or even damaged a kidney trying to escape his grasp. Considered turning around and heading to the ER to get checked out. But I knew there wouldn't be any bruises (man, is he good!) and I would just be accused of overreacting. So I went home. The pain was still there this morning, and through most of the day. I think I'm okay now. Mostly just numb. I haven't responded to anything since pulling out of his driveway.
This morning was a single missed call from him and one text: “have a nice day.” Around 7:00 – 7:30 a.m. Nothing since then. That's unusual for him. Probably already fucking his ex again. (Yes, that happened, caught red-handed, verified and even admitted. Happy 40th birthday to me.) This time I don't care.
I refuse to live in this hell. He has made it VERY clear that he has not changed – and never will. Un-corrected abuse will ALWAYS escalate.
The woman I once was is dead. But a new, better, even stronger woman will emerge from the ashes.