May & June
5/2/21
He's still talking about setting a date. Early July. Maybe the third? I'm going to have to be blunt with him – which will make him angry, and hen he'll do it again. He doesn't need any reasons. I spend my waking hours trying desperately to prevent situations that could lead to an outburst. I can't stop thinking about how it will go down. We'll set a date. Pick a spot. Make a bunch of plans. Spend a bund of (MY) money, fly in my parents, and maybe a couple friends. Then 2-3 days before the Big Day he'll get stressed. We'll fight. And he'll call it off.
5/5/21
The truck is “almost done.” I've been hearing those words for several weeks, but this time I'm starting to believe it. Garrett was going to drive it to work yesterday but it wouldn't shift out of first gear.
Zach had the day off work so he decided to paint the bedliner as a surprise for him. I thought it was a great idea and helped him. Zach was worried that he wouldn't notice. Deep down, I was more concerned that he would find a way to get angry about it. Complain that it wasn't done right or that it didn't get finished (the paint took too long to dry so we only got one coat on). I was braced to intervene if he started berating Zach. Much to my relief, that didn't happen. When he got home he noticed right away and was very appreciative. Then started try8ing to figure out the shifting/electrical issues.
I got really irritated with Garrett last night. I ran out to pick up Madeline from practice and grab stuff for dinner. When I got home just before 5:00 he was nowhere to be found. I figured he had run out to the store and started prepping dinner. I was hungry. 30 minutes later I still hadn't seen or heard from him. I stuck my head in the garage and he and Zach were in there working on the truck as if he had been in there the whole time. Didn't even look up or say hello. A few minutes later he finally came inside. I asked how hungry he was. “Not very. Maybe an hour.” Great. I was starving, but I waited. “This shouldn't take long.” Dinner wouldn't take long to cook, so I decided to wait until he was ready to eat instead of cooking then letting it get cold waiting for him. 7:30 rolls around and he's still in the garage. I'm so hungry I'm weak. Now I'm pissed. I'm realizing that not only does he EXPECT me to feed him, he expects it on his (very unpredictable) timeline – with no regard for how it affects others. I don't dare eat without him – that would make him angry. I'm expected to wait – hungry – until he's ready to eat. And now I'm realizing just how often this happens.
When we started dating he claimed he loved to cook meals together. Turns out that's just a really good line to use on a woman. He rarely cooks and never helps me. He would rather hid in the garage or blatantly sit on the couch watching TV while I cook. Never even offers. A few weeks ago I tried to involve him by asking him to make garlic bread, and he got snippy with me. I feel like I'm expected to be a typical 50s housewife – cook, clean, pull weeds, take care of the pets, do all the grocery shopping. But also work a full time job and pay half the bills. But don't let those job responsibilities interfere with any of the things he wants to do, whenever he wants to do them!
The word “selfish” is still resonating through my head. Like a huge bell that won't stop ringing. Every time I o something I wonder “would a selfish person do this?” Feed him. Clean his house. Take care of his dogs and his yard. Help him with his projects whenever I can. Let him vent. Listen to him complain, while staying quiet about the things that bother me. Wait patiently for him to have time for me – it could be months. Only for him to act like it's a chore and tell me he didn't actually want to spend that time with me. There are plenty of other women in this town. I wonder if those women would give up their lives to do what I do? I doubt it. No friends. No family. Live in a strange place where you know no one, but he seems to know everyone. Can't go certain places, but don't really know why. Hesitant to venture out and meet people because what if he already knows them? Scared to make friends because he probably won't like them and will use them to start fights.
I miss the anonymity of a new town. But here I feel like I'm being watched almost everywhere I go. Like they know who I am, but I'm oblivious. I see the same cars all over town, but I don't know who they are. Last summer we bumped into his ex at Sobelman's. He didn't tell me until months later. After taking me to her church several times. I remember specifically feeling like I was being stared at, but I couldn't figure out why. She used to live in this house. She still gets mail here. I found her earring in my closet and her initials on the laundry room table. Turns out now she lives in the next town over. Right next to Madeline's school and work. And the grocery store where I do my shopping. And the bike trail I ride every day. I'm sure she knows what car I drive. I know she knows my face – as do her friends. I am definitely being watched. I remember that waitress acting really odd. I wish he would just tell me when he bumps into people he knows. Maybe I wouldn't feel like I have to look over my shoulder every time I leave the house. Or maybe it was the other ex we bumped into. I don't know because I didn't specifically look at her. He didn't point her out at the time and didn't say which one when he told me. He just said “my ex” – as if there was only one since the wife.
When he finally admitted there was another one he got angry. Accused Tori of telling me about her. He apparently has no idea how public records work. He referred to her as “the one in Arizona” and told me a story about her not allowing his kids to sit on her couch but letting her son sleep on it. He failed to mention that they were together several years – much longer than he and Steph, who he mentions often. Or that she moved to Wisconsin with him. Or that SHE'S FROM TUCSON! I felt like such a fool then I realized I'm the THIRD woman to move from AZ to WI for him (first was Sheryl, but they moved back to AZ). No wonder I feel like I'm being watched. Are there more ?? Sometimes I wonder if he still loves her. He only talks about the ones he hates. I found a birthday card from her declaring her undying love. I'm pretty sure she was with him on that guided fishing trip in Onalaska he won't stop talking about. He keeps dragging me there because they caught soooo many fish that one time. But refuses to book the guide with me. Claims the guy won't call him back. I wonder if it's because he's worried the guide will remember Tina and ask about her?
He refuses to take me to Finns. Claims it's because of the type of people that hang out there. By “people” does he mean Steph? It's right by her house. If he would just be open with me I would understand. But instead I have to wonder. And wondering makes me suspicious, which makes me dig deeper.
I'm pretty sure he hasn't showered since Sunday. I know this because the last 2 days when I showered it was exactly how I left it. He leaves the shower diverter up and a puddle in the tub (it's old and caved in). I noticed this a week or 2 ago as well. How do I bring it up without making him angry? Several months ago I commented that he had let himself go – meaning hygiene. HE had stopped grooming, shaving, brushing his teeth, wearing cologne, etc. He got offended, took it as me calling him fat. What's odd is even though he does physical, dirty work outside, he rarely stinks when he gets home. And I ALWAYS know when he forgets deodorant. Is he showering somewhere else? A few times he's told me he had a few beers with Keith after work. But I don't recall smelling beer on him. My nose is pretty sensitive. Am I losing my mind? Or just suspicious because of his comment about finding a man that gets a blowjob before coming home from work? When he plowed snow over the winter I never knew how long it would take. Sometimes 4 hours, sometimes 13.
He's lasting longer in bed, which usually happens when guys have sex often. We don't. He's also rarely interested and tends to pick a fight a few days after we do – especially if it's good for me. A few times I developed a gross infection-like smell after sex with him. Takes a while to get rid of and makes me self conscious. A result of poor hygiene on his part? Or something else?? Either way, not showering daily is gross.
Today he sent me a text to let me know he's having a beer before coming home. First time he's ever given me a heads up. 5:00 p.m. Home 5:30.
5/6/21
Told him I'm taking Madeline to dinner for her birthday tonight. Jut the 2 of us. So far he hasn't gotten mad, but there's no statute of limitations on this stuff.
Showered and got a haircut last night.
Concrete not being delivered until 2:00, so he doesn't know when he'll be home.
Nearly broke down in Target yesterday looking for a Mother's Day car for my mom. This is the hardest day of the year for me. I warned him last year. Told him I wanted to go off the grid. Somewhere so I wouldn't have to see all the appreciated moms being celebrated. He told me he would take care of it. Not to worry. But he made no plans. We ended up staying at the KOA where his trailer was parked – just like every other weekend. At dinner he started complaining about Madeline, which led to him pointing out all my failures as a mother and ended with me crying. On Mother's Day. A week or 2 ago he told me we were going away for the weekend because last year he “got in trouble.” Now he's flip-flopping because it's Madeline's birthday weekend and prom weekend. I've already told him we'll do her birthday with friends another weekend and her prom plans are sorted out. He mentioned going to Door County, which I've been wanting to do, but I'm pretty sure he's made no plans. He claimed he planned to take me to Door County for my birthday in November, but had to cancel them because I left him a few days before. I don't believe for one moment that he made any actual reservations or arrangements. I believe he thought about it and told me he made plans to make me feel guilty. I left because he wouldn't stop telling me to leave. And calling me names. I didn't want to be disappointed. I couldn't bear the thought of fighting, name-calling, and getting thrown out on my birthday. I wanted to be HOME. Now I don't even have that option.
I had a dream about Stephanie last night. We were at an event and became friends – or at least friendly. I feel tormented. I can't even get a break when I sleep.
He called me sweetheart this morning. I can't remember the last time he said that to me. Sent me a link to an AirBnb in Door County. $25/night x2 nights. Beautiful place on Lake Michigan. But now I'm hesitant. I told him I don't want to do anything that will cause stress. He asked what I mean. I told him I don't know because I didn't want to make him angry. Truth is, I don't want to do anything that will get brought up in a future fight. Last time we went away he later told me he didn't even want to go. And then he told me we won't be doing anything until his truck is done. I know he meant that because he said it a few different times. His truck isn't done yet. Probably at least another week. I don't know what to do. Either way I'll hear about it later in a fight. He'll yell about spending money and time away from his truck. Or he'll yell about me not wanting to go away and then being sad on Mother's Day. I wish he would just take care of it and surprise me.
5/7/22
It's been 3 weeks. Madeline had cramps last night ... 3-day warning.
Looks like we're not going anywhere this weekend. He asked if I would rather do another weekend. I told him maybe once his truck is done. Instead we're going to grill out tonight and probably sleep in the trailer.
5/10/21
We made it through Mother's Day without any fights or complaining about Madeline. It was actually a pretty nice day. He also go time nothing. No card. No flowers. Nothing. Reminds me of the fight we had after his birthday. He got mad that I didn't get him a birthday card. Never mind that we were quarantined, so I couldn't leave the house to get him one. Never mind that I did get him a gift. Never mind that I didn't get a card OR a gift for my birthday. He also refused to get his mom a card or flowers. Said it would be “out of character.” I guess I'll just have to accept that he will never do anything nice for me. Because it's not in his character to be caring, loving, or giving. For Valentine's Day I made a trip into Waukesha in a snow storm to get him chocolate-covered strawberries from a specialty shop there, because I know he loves them. I got nothing. Selfish. I got a test from Tori, but Zach never told me Happy Mother's Day. I don't care except it shows he was never taught to be thoughtful. He probably didn't even call his mom. Neither of them wished Madeline a happy birthday.
It has started.
5/11/21
Called it.
He started by calling me antisocial for laying on the bed while he was watching Fox News in the living room. Then he started ranting about Madeline not doing the dishes or taking out the trash. Called me a liar and accused me of defending her when I told him she did take out the trash (only one of the 2 bags). Claimed the bag in the bin outside had been there for days. That stupid little issue escalated into a tirade that lasted past 2 a.m. I did my best to keep my mouth shut and not fall into his trap, but I had to speak up when he accused me of having an issue with Zach. As always, he found the right button to push. Once again he dragged his son into it.
“Liar”
“Little bitch” (her)
“Skippy”
Said he would drag her into the backyard and beat the crap out of her so she would have a reason to be afraid of him.
“Narcissist”
“Swinging from your titty”
Told me he won't have sex facing each other because he can't stand to look into my eyes.
Once again blamed her for our intimacy issues.
Says Zach hates her and doesn't like me.
“You are raising a monster.”
Excused Zach from doing his chores because he helped with the truck.
“If I were you I'd hate Mother's Day too.”
“Asshole kid not doing a fucking thing around here.”
Praised Zach for mowing the lawn last week (true) and putting out the trash on trash day (lie – I've been doing it – AND I'm still picking up dog shit).
As predicted, blamed me for nothing going away this weekend. Claims my weekend was book. She had it consumed. Refused to acknowledge that the ONLY thing I did for her was drop her at work Saturday morning and pick her up Sunday night. Those 2 ride could have easily been arranged.
Refuses to explain why his issues with her ALWAYS have to result in him intentionally hurting me.
His son can do no wrong.
My daughter can do no right.
Just when I was starting to think there was hope – thought just MAYBE he listened to that sermon and was trying to control his temper – he goes and does it again.
He's still at it this morning. 2 more days.
P.S. I started spotting within minutes of him starting up. He really needs to get his hormones checked.
“Fuck off”
“Your know-it-all asshole opinions”
“What exactly did you teach your fucking creep?”
“You must have set quite the example of a perfect woman, so much your creepy kid doesn't want to be one.”
He told me last night I should have had an abortion. (Referring to Madeline)
5/12/21
Day 3
He put his hands on me last night. This after the obligatory name-calling and telling me to leave. It started with getting in my face, blocking me. He then pushed past me, turned to face me, and shoved me – hands on my shoulder and throat. Knocked my glasses to the ground. I saw him clench his fists and flinch as if he was going to hit me, but stopped himself. No marks. My right shoulder hurts today. The bruise on my arm from a few weeks ago is faint now. I'm pretty sure it's from being grabbed when he took my phone and stomped on it. It was a perfect circle and deep, like from a thumb. I all happens so fast.
Things are a little calmer today. He is finally able to speak rationally. He told me it went too far last night. It crossed a line. I told him my line is drawn much sooner than that. My line is name-calling and “leave” games. I am such a fool for ever putting up with that. Even once. I busted my ass for years to become independent, self-sufficient, indebted to no one. Now I'm stuck. I have no place to go. No home of my own anymore. No job. No friends or family within thousands of miles. All the things leading up to putting me in this position. I'm sure he did them intentionally. To give him control over me. Makes him feel powerful. Now, when he tells me to leave it is scary, because we both know I Have to place to go. So safe place. I can't leave. That's exactly what he wants. I would literally be homeless, living in my car. No one will rent to someone without a job. This is why he attacked my job so much. Interrupted me at work. Pressured me to move here, knowing eventually it would result in losing my job. I need to find a new one. It's taking too long. Problem is I STILL don't have a quiet (SAFE) space to work.
He apologized for calling me names. What can I say that won't make him mad again? I want to say it's okay, I'm getting used to it (I am). I want to tell him I want to know why so I can help him. But he has to want help. Instead I tell him “I supposed I'm okay with being called queen, though sweetheart was my favorite.” He responded I hated that word. I told him it's better than the other ones. At least it was meant as a compliment. I apologized for ever telling him not to say it.
It's true that I'm getting used to it. Desensitized. I haven't cried during a fight in a long time. Even though they keep getting worse. Not since that time I shattered. Broke down and ugly cried/sobbed for over an hour. I think it's satisfying for him when I cry. It shows him he accomplished his goal of hurting me. Though that time I thought he actually cared. He held me. Tried to console me. I just wish I could figure out how to refrain from responding. Not feed into it, give him something to attack. It just fuels his anger.
5/13/21
And he's back. The cycle is complete. The emotional whip-lash has my head spinning. Yesterday after work he was finally capable of having a calm(er) conversation. Though he still won't address his behavior. Keeps turning the conversation back to Madeline. He thinks I don't correct her, because he never sees it. He wants me to “lose my shit” on her. He wants me to “punish” her. (I learned long ago the vast difference between punishment and discipline, and I've told him as much many times). I choose to parent with love, calmness, and a level head. Correct with kindness – and, yes, with consequences – but not cruel ones. He wants me to be harsh. I just now realized he expects me to abuse her. I won't do it. I don't care how angry he gets, I will not intentionally or knowingly harm my daughter. I
I will not allow myself to become like him.
5/19/21
He's at it again. This is the shortest break between fights. He started to go into anger mode over the weekend and pulled himself together. Then yesterday I had the nerve to get upset about the electricity bill. He just lost it. Of course he blames Madeline, which led to a bitch fest about everyone not pitching in. He slammed the bedroom door so hard a picture fell off the wall and knocked stuff off my dresser. Left it there until I fixed it today. This morning I asked him who was responsible for cleaning up the kitchen. His mess from last night's dinner was still everywhere. Trash/wrappers on the counter, two pots – one with burnt stuff and one with beans still in it. Just mess everywhere. If Madeline did that he would lose it. But I guess it's okay for him to. He threw the biggest hissy fit that I asked him (very nicely) to clean it up. Like a little boy throwing a temper tantrum. Banging stuff around. Left drawers/cabinets open. Threw a handful of silverware into the drawer and tried to slam it shut, but a fork got caught. I took a picture because I just couldn't believe it. I'm just sick of being treated like a house maid He throws his fits so I'm too scared to bring it up. I asked him to throw his cookie wrapper away. It was on the edge of the counter right next to the trash cans. MAYBE 2 feet away. My trash cans have expensive motion sensor lids. He slammed/punched the lid shut so hard he broke it. I believe at the hinge. I know he won't be fixing or replacing it. None of the usual name-calling this time, though he did call me a “pig.” Rings are off. He claims he won't be changing his mind this time. I still don't have a job. My resume is under construction with a career coach. I have nowhere to go. That's exactly what he wants. I need to reach out to someone for help. Who? I'm terrified of him. Half expected him to reach out and grab me outside when my back was turned. That's not too far off ...
5/20/21
He's still going. All day long. The text messages won't stop. He says it's over, but wants to continue arguing.
6/2/21
That last one completely derailed me. It lasted FOUR days – a new record. Called a “family meeting” on Day 3. Stayed calm because Zach was there, but most of it was focused on Madeline's faults. Acted like he was done, but got mad again the next day. Insisted I put my ring back on a few days later – as we were leaving to see his parents. I've been too worn down to do any of my usual things. Write. Ride. Exercise. I've been doing Noom and HAD been doing really well. But that all stopped.
My sister visited over the weekend. I had put off confirming plans because of the fights. But he pulled himself together and we had a nice time. They were none the wiser. Wasn't able to really talk to her because someone was always around. Sounds like she's dealing with similar issues at home. I wish she lived closer.
He's been better lately. Sweet and loving. Keeping his temper in check – even when the trailer flooded. Wants sex. Took me to get chickens and built a sturdy pen for them. One got away. I could sense him starting to lose it after 3 days of chasing it. Ruger ate the leftover burger and brats off the counter last night. He was planning to take them to work today. I could see him trying to find a way to blame Madeline.
He's been questioning her work schedule again. So far he hasn't started another complaining marathon. Not sure if he's checking himself or just letting it build for a big one. Time will tell. He told her (in that family meeting) he doesn't want her at our wedding. I guess he still thinks there will be one, despite his behavior. Or maybe he's really trying to be better this time. We'll see how long it lasts.
He's been testing my boundaries with porn lately. He knows I hate porn. I'll never forget its role in the abuse in my first marriage. The other night we stayed in the camper. I fell asleep watching TV. He woke me up to go to bed. Then started jacking off next to me. He knows I hate that too. It's another thing Paul used to do – just before he started raping me. After a few minutes of jacking off he started touching/grabbing me and talking to me. I asked him to stop. Then he got on top of me. I panicked inside, but stifled it because I didn't want to start a fight. That triggered flashbacks. Woke up a part of me I thought was dead long ago. Of course, then I couldn't sleep. He has no idea. There's no sense in trying to open up about something that deep to someone that doesn't care. Wouldn't even try to understand. I don't talk about my experiences with rape. I've only told a couple people, and never details other than it has happened to me. The two times it came up in conversation with Garrett (explaining emotional and physical scarring) he brushed it off and changed the subject. He doesn't care. I guess it's not that big of a deal to him.
He was on a “men vs women” rant the other day – one of those bordering on misogyny – and he actually said “women rape men just as much as men rape women.” I think he actually believes that! Or he has no clue what rape actually is. He definitely has no idea just how many women it happens to. Nobody does, because most don't get reported – because the last thing a rape victim needs is to be interrogated, disbelieved, violated again, and forced to relive her trauma. Garrett is one of those that believes if you don't report it, it didn't happen – and if you DO report it, you most likely made it up.
He has always been very respectful sexually – until he started pushing my boundaries with porn. The incident the other night was the first time I have ever felt unsafe (sexually) with him. Now my guard is up. I have an even harder time enjoying it. He has no idea, nor does he care to know.
6/7/21
He's starting again ...
6/8/21
I am her mother.
There is nothing he can ever say or do that will change that.
He may have succeeded in taking Sheryl's children from their mother – even managed to make one of them despise her. But he will NEVER do that to mine.
She needs me now more than ever.
6/9/21
Today is a down day.
No reason, because he's decided to switch back to cheery mode. But I don't dare breathe a sigh of relief or (God forbid) show any sign of relaxing. My nerves are on fire at all times. This cycle is fucking brutal. I just want to drink and cry all day. But of course that would put him in a mood.
I need a beach.
6/9/21 (evening)
He found a tiny sliver of opportunity and pounced on it.
Madeline came home and said she had been recommended to be a student counselor over the summer, making $8/hr. Garrett took me outside and informed me she would not be doing that. He wants her working 40 hours a week on top of the summer school she has to do. I asked if I get a say, and he got angry. Stormed inside and informed Madeline of his demands. I told him he's undermining my authority as her mother and he went ballistic. So once again he's back to name-calling and throwing me out.
At once point, while I was sitting in a chair on the balcony, he got up and came at me, looming over me. I thought he was going to grab me or hit me. Instead he grabbed my cigarettes off the grill right next to me.