Tuesday 7/6/21
That last one lasted only a day. The optimist in me says maybe he's actually trying to get better. Maybe walking away for an hour gave him time to cool off. Maybe he finally realized he really is going to lose me if he doesn't get a grip on himself. Pessimist me says he's getting more unpredictable – and that's scary!
A couple days ago I discovered they do a Country Thunder here in Wisconsin, similar to Coachella and Stagecoach in California and Country Thunder in Arizona. It's in 2 weeks. Pretty good lineup. I've always wanted to camp out at one of those. Last night he brought it up again, told me I should look into it, see if they have campsites large enough for our camper, or if there are any other campgrounds nearby. Normally I would be all over that opportunity, but I just can't bring myself to g. et excited about this. Our last several trips have been disasters thanks to his mood swings. As soon as anything goes wrong, the whole trip is ruined. It's highly unlikely he'll be able to go 4 days without getting upset about something, and pretty much guaranteed he'll have another massive blowout at some point between now and then. I just can't go through this again. Putting all the time, money, and energy into something, just to have him shatter it all with his words. Might as well just stay down. Yes, I know I'm supposed to get back up, dust myself off, and try again. But I'm just so defeated. It's an endless cycle. As soon as I think we've turned a corner and let my guard down he sees his opening and does it again. I'm now fully convinced it will never get better – not for real, not long-term. And I will never again have an opportunity to escape. My last chance was November. I took it and got out, but then I was stupid enough to respond to his email, start talking to him, once again fell for his lies, and came back. That time I made it next to impossible to leave again. Sold my house, quit (lost) my job, brought all my stuff here. It's no longer a simple matter of packing my car and making the 3-day trip home. I no longer have a home to run to. And it'll take at least 2 days to pack up and get out – and that's if I had help, which I don't.
We went to church Sunday. Finally. Tried White Stone, where Dan and Kathy started going. Different vibe than Riverglen, but I liked it. The people seemed very friendly, though we didn't really talk to anyone. The sermon was on perseverance, out of Psalm 129. Psalm is one of my favorite books. The pastor talked about how easy it can be to give up, how good it can feel to just quit, but in that state we don't think about the consequences of quitting. Once example he gave was divorce, or walking out of a relationship in the heat of the moment and all of the ramifications that decision can have. Kind of like what he does every time he gets angry. He made a point at least twice to make exception for abusive situations. I had tears in my eyes by the time the service ended. What does this message mean for me? Persevere through our relationship problems? Or is this a message of encouragement to stand strong and get myself back to a safe place in life? My bible titles this chapter Protection of the Oppressed. Fitting. How do I make it my own? How do I get through this?
I wonder if he'll preach on chapter 130 next. Awaiting Redemption.