What happens when the rose-colored glasses break

“Sugar coat”
“Complete jerk”
“Fall guy”
“Enjoy your day”
“Focus on her”
“Fix you own ruts”
“Nothing changed”
“You changed”
“Complete shit show”
“Out of control”
“You feel sorry for her”
“You support her”
“You defend her”
“I'm glad your happy”
“Just needed to clarify”
“I know how you feel”
“Distort the truth”
“That's your opinion”
“I saved everything”
“Glad things are better”
“Sorry you feel that way”
“I don't fucking care”
“I'm not apologizing”
“Your kid was a complete asshole”
“Your choice has been to defend her”
“Thanks for valentines day”
“You've spent years sympathizing with her, defending her”
“We have very different memories”
“Keep doing what your doing”
“I have your/her words”
“You two have the relationship you wanted”
“I completely understand how you feel. You don't need to repeat yourself.”
“The nonsense you said about your conversations with Madeline”
“Maybe work through that with your counselor”
“And congrats, the real world slapped your kid in the face and she's living with someone that doesn't take the BS and she needs her mommy back.”
“The only time things got better is when you took her phone away.”
“I don't accept a person that forgets”
“You wanna go back to day one, let's do it. We can talk about it all!”
“Difference is, in Tucson I was nothing more than a guest with a dresser drawer. Up here I didn't need to take it.”
“3 people working, there wasn't going to be the 4th sitting around.” (about making my daughter do MOST of the house cleaning)
“I will never apologize for parenting” (he calls punishment “parenting”)
“I was more than willing to forgive and forget” (biggest lie yet)
“I have zero sympathy for Madeline”

(His misspellings, not mine)
(He forced me to take her phone away – abusive control)

My last post was written Monday morning. Today is Saturday.

I am completely exhausted. My brain is mush. I struggled to get any work done all week. As a result, I'm behind (again) and have a LOT of catching up to do. But I can't for the life of me sit still or stay on one topic for long. My anxiety is through the roof. I have spent far too much time pacing. My house is a mess. I haven't left the house since Tuesday. It's cold outside and the weather has been gross, which does absolutely nothing to motivate me to go out. I'm honestly considering skipping church tomorrow if the snow doesn't melt off the driveway. I don't have the energy to deal with the sleet that is now frozen solid and snowed over.

I am also numb. I have no energy left for emotions. Just completely drained. This fight felt different – yet lately they ALL feel different. No name-calling this time. He is getting more and more covert as time goes. He hasn't gotten his son, family, or exes involved in the last few fights (that I know of). This time no “stuff” battle. I only have a hoodie and a few other things at his house. His pizza maker is at mine. No word on that yet. I won't go over there. Why would I? He refuses to ever drop my stuff off. Makes me come get it. Tells me “I owe you nothing.” I don't want him here because I don't want him passive-aggressively doing more damage to my landlord's property. At the same time I wonder if he's too ashamed to show his face here because of what he did. Because he's worried that the people here think less of him (as they should). And because he's not man enough to apologize to my landlord for the damage he caused and make it right. The behavior itself doesn't change.

It was also very much the same. He hung up on me several times mid-sentence. (Never mind how angry he gets if I do it even ONCE.) Forced the conversation into text – to add to his collection of “evidence,” I'm sure. A vast majority of the fight was about Madeline, as it usually is. The same old stuff over and over. Round and round, in endless circles. But also bringing up countless, totally unrelated things to bicker about. For the millionth time.

Monday afternoon we were arguing the move to Wisconsin and whether the intent was to move permanently vs. going for the summer. Forced me to go back and re-read the conversation. The exercise was horrifying. Me repeatedly asking what the plan was and him never directly answering me. But then getting angry

Every time, I think “this is it. This is finally over for good. This time I can actually move on with my life. Pursue my healing journey.”

But then it's not over. He'll show up at my house, finally calm and ready to have a rational conversation. Or he'll want to meet for a drink. Or he'll do something vaguely resembling nice. He'll say something that implies he's sorry, that he'll work on not doing XYZ. The next thing I know I'm sucked right back in. Expected to spend nearly every evening and weekend with him, very little time to to take care of my needs, and for the most part ignoring the elephant in the room. Just pretending these problems aren't here.

Until the next time he gets mad about something. Anything.

His most recent trend is to call me “shallow.” Just out of the blue with no context or reasoning behind it. To the point where I wonder if he even knows what the word means. I guess he has to find new insults since the old ones are worn out.

“We both know I am anything but shallow. I am also not insecure. I know my worth is not based on anything you think or say about me. Or anyone else, for that matter. Your words don't make me a bad person. Knowing that makes your insults look pretty ridiculous.”

“I'm glad your happy Emily. There is really no purpose for continuing our conversation.”

“I don't need your validation, Garrett. Your criticism is no longer able to bring me down – I'll just point out the ways it applies to you and not me. I also don't need this level of negativity in my life. It's destructive and I'm not interested.”

“Your right. Totally agree. What matters is we are each happy.”

“At this point I don't know that you're even willing to accept happiness. Certainly not with me. I've also witnessed the way you pick other people apart, so I know it's not just me. But I don't have to accept this chronic negativity.”

“I know”

That was yesterday around noon. We haven't spoken since.

EDIT: didn't realize this didn't publish until about a week later.