Sorrow
Have you ever felt a sadness so intense you can't ignore it, yet so elusive you can't pinpoint it? So overwhelming it feels as though you've been ripped in half -but at the same time buried so deep it seems you'll never find it. That need to cry it out, but you don't know how to bring it to the surface. Somewhere in there is a tiny, titanium bullet twisting and turning, bouncing around and wreaking havoc. You wish you could dig down and rip it out but ... you know you'll never find it and trying will just do more damage. Have you ever wanted ... NEEDed ... to walk into a strong chest and feel a pair of arms wrap around you and hold you tight? Only to remember no such chest and arms exist. At least not for you. So that bullet keeps twisting and bouncing. That hole grows bigger and bigger. It threatens to consume you, but still you can't find it to rip it out.
What if I told you I know when my hole started forming?
It was right before Thanksgiving and just a few short days after one of the best birthdays of my life.
I made a mistake.
A grave mistake.
But I had to.
I had to turn my back on that chest and those arms.
I had to.
My Monster returned. Turns out he had not yet fully released me.
I couldn't drag him into this nightmare.
He could have helped me – maybe even saved me. Wanted to!
But I couldn't introduce him to my hell.
He deserves better.
So I did a thing I may regret forever.
I allowed myself to hurt him in order to spare him.
So I set him free.
He was hurt, upset, maybe even a little mad. Said some hurtful things.
And then he apologized.
That is when I KNEW.
This man is a good man. The kind I've always wanted. The kind I claim to deserve. Truly an angel in human form.
And I knowingly hurt him. Pushed him away to go another round (or ten) with a demon.
Since then my hell has continued to get deeper and hotter by the month. Worse than I could have ever imagined. There seems to be no end.
And I'm in this completely alone.
I seek consolation knowing that this pain is not being inflicted on another, innocent party.
I hope you are well.
I wish I could have you as my own, but I could never live with myself if you became collateral damage at the hands of My Monster.
I hope you are living your life to the fullest, happier than you've ever been. I hope you are safe and completely oblivious to the flames that now consume me.
But most of all I hope you can forgive me. Not for me – for YOU.
I pray every day that your beautiful soul emerged unscathed.