What happens when the rose-colored glasses break


I've finally figured it out. So many times I've asked why? Begged and pleaded for an answer.

Why does he do this?
Why does he treat me this way?
Why does he throw me out over every little disagreement?

Today I found my answer.

It's because, to him, I am disposable. Worth no more than a paper plate. Use and toss. Not deserving of respect. Trash. Serve and expect nothing in return. To be thrown around, ripped, broken, mistreated without a second thought. Of course I shouldn't have feelings! Needs. Wants. Desires. Expectations. Boundaries of my own. Trash doesn't have any of those things.

He spent months with his truck. Caring for it, caressing it, getting the paint juuust right. It gave him problems and he just poured more love to it. While I sat on the sidelines watching him break promises to me. I had needs during that time too. I needed an office to work in. That would have taken mere hours. Hell, I would have put the walls up myself, I just needed him to pick up drywall! I needed attention. I needed a break. We made plans to go places. Do things together. Nourish our relationship. He broke those plans to spend time with his truck. Repeatedly. This winter he showed me that he loves his truck more than he has ever loved me. I am disposable. His truck is not.

Trash doesn't get handled with care, does it? The only thing that doesn't deserve at least some level of respect is trash. He even taught his son to treat me like trash. He swore to me that he would never allow his son to talk badly about me. If he did, he would beat his ass. But in the end he encouraged it. When Madeline said things about him, I stood up for him. Defended him. Set the record straight with my friends and whoever else she spoke to. Time and time again. When Zach started saying things about me he encouraged it. Turned on me. Used Zach's words as more weapons against me. Validation. I sent Zach a text last week apologizing for the drama, my part in it, and him being brought into it. He ignored me. He didn't even have the decency to respond. Because he also views me as trash. Learned that one from his dad. They both truly believe they are superior to everyone.

This is why he didn't care about my needs. Why I couldn't talk to him about my feelings without having his feelings shoved down my throat. Why he wouldn't respect my boundaries. This is exactly how he could justify the name-calling, insults, demeaning comments. The abuse. The “find someone who gets a blowjob before coming home from work” comment.