i shut myself down and hide
I avoid the news, always have, since long before it was known to cause depression. Every now and then I get a flash of it, and I feel blindsided. How did I not know? How could I be ignorant of such a thing? I feel irresponsible for not knowing. I feel left out.
And then that glaring thing, that ghastly event, beckons with its skeletal hand and draws me in closer to see more, to watch and read and hear more about these vile happenings.
I see the hoards of other people, people like me except they watch and read and listen to it everyday, and they are outraged. They take their rage online as I suppose people sometimes take to the streets when it's all too much, all the horror, and underneath their anger they are understandably, justifiably, afraid of these things beyond their control, beyond mine.
And then I shut it down. I shut it all down and hide myself from them, from it, and I tell myself that it's unnatural for humans to know about the horrors going on all around the world every second of the day and night. I slam the door in its face, its howling gaping face.
The human mind has not evolved to process so much devastation all at once and from everywhere. The information available on every device has only been accessible to us as for a fraction of our existence.
Not that long ago, when something bad happened, a messenger would be sent – on horseback for god's sake – to carry the news. “Don't shoot the messenger.”
And now everyone with a phone – which means everyone – is recording and broadcasting the news all the time, all around the world. I was in an earthquake once, and that was on Twitter long before it reached the news. Now, we are all messengers.