Angry If You Do Angry If You Do Not
The psychiatrist sits back in the chair, steeples their hands and pauses before speaking, “Do you think you had the right to be angry in that situation?” Then, they relax their hands and posture to add, “Would someone else in your situation be mad?”
This is a classic “we cannot control our emotions, but we can choose how we react” teaching moment. It is okay to be angry. It is not okay to take a baseball bat to your neighbor's car. It makes sense on a rational and personal level. Complexity comes within the relationship, there are two people in the situation. You can spare your neighbor's car, but that doesn't stop the behavior that angered you in the first place. You can gently and maturely speak to the neighbor, but there is no guarantee things will change. And, you have to start over at the beginning. It's okay to be angry that it didn't work out, but we can still choose not to pick up the baseball bat.
Last night, I was rude to my partner. She left a water bottle on its side in the entryway and it leaked all over several things. To me, my spouse could have easily prevented this by closing the open lid and setting it upright. I was angry. I don't think I shouted, but I was dramatically holding an inquisition with my words.
My spouse felt horrible. She visibly slumped and got very quiet. I think she was then frustrated with me. Suppressing the anger is bad for me, but expressing it made things worse. Perhaps if I go back to suppressing anger I will only be harming myself and no one else.
Anger is commonly seen as a 'negative' emotion. Many of us do suppress it and have no idea what to do with it when it comes up. We often associate anger with violence. So it must be contained. Again, anger is an emotion, violence is a behavior.
So what do we do with anger?
Help in the form of therapy and groups is called 'anger management.' Is it just me, or is that uninspiring? We do not call it cancer management, we call it cancer treatment. Sure, we cannot treat emotions, but I thought I was supposed to be accepting them, not managing them. Isn't suppression a form of management?
Some call anger a secondary emotion. This idea that anger is hiding another emotion. So I am insecure and a pathetic excuse for a human. Am I trying to take my partner down a notch to make myself feel better? I certainly didn't feel great afterwards.
Imaginary psychiatrist leans forward in the chair and repeats the mantra that is now drilled into me like some sort of national anthem. It's all memorization and zero feels, “We're not responsible for other people's emotions.” Golf clap, you expressed your anger! Her reaction is her issue. Hmm. I mean it is a fair argument. I cannot control my own emotions, I surely will not be able to control the feelings of others.
There was real pain inside me when I realized that I upset her with my tone. I passed my emotional distress to her and got it back two-fold. It would seem anger for me is a a question of communicating my feelings, but also accepting the results. There was a lot of 'I should not have reacted that way and I wish I could take it back like it never happened.' Even now, after journaling, I do not feel much better. If only I could have done something different. If I keep thinking that way, I am not really accepting where I am at, huh?
sigh
I guess it takes practice? The more I learn to communicate anger in a less harmful way, the better I will get?