Hard Wired & Homeless

As I continue to deal with the shame and infinite to-do list I see a concern around stubbornness?

I don't really like calling this situation stubborn, it just feels like once I get a thought, I cannot shake it. Perhaps stubborn is a good description. It is a strange experience that I am not sure I can elaborate on. It sounds trivial when I write it out, but here goes. An example from last night, I thought I might have a mini ice cream sandwich after dinner. My partner brought out some Twizzlers and we each had 2. At 3am, I woke up to go to the restroom and I could not get back to sleep. I had to go to the freezer and eat that mini ice cream sandwich.

That's just one example, it's not all about food cravings. If I think tomorrow is the day that I will vacuum and something in the family comes up, I really struggle. I do drop my plans, but it is like a multidimensional critter is chewing on my brain until I vacuum. I harbor anger that I didn't get to do it. There's the sense that I am being judged for not doing it, not having it already done. This is that people pleaser in me. I want to be all things for everyone. I want the gratitude and love from others because I do not give it to myself. No one can meet the expectations I have set on myself.

There's also some control issues here. It common for people with anxiety and depression to have issues around control. The anxiousness leaves us feeling completely out of control. We cannot predict what will happen next and that causes anxiety. So we look to set things in stone. I want things to be predictable to calm my anxiety and people please. Being stubborn or hard wiring my next step is ensuring that I get a predicted outcome.

Sometimes, that outcome may be negative, but the important part is that I expected it. This is a way to negotiate my emotions, to stay numb. In many cases, I even perform self-sabotage subconsciously.

The Little Suicide

I do not know if I have shared this before, but I have often dreamed of being homeless. When the basic human biology of staying alive disappeared, I went to the hospital. The feeling of peace because I wanted to die scared me. I've always been afraid to talk about mortality. I cannot accept that one day I won't have a thought. That I am not here forever. Even typing this has brought me anxiety.

With that fear back thanks to therapy and medication, whenever I get suicidal ideation I think of other ways to harm myself. I think of other ways to die and be less of a burden. I often think I should be homeless. Many people avoid the homeless. They are something we'd rather not see, human suffering. We're taught to devalue them because they aren't working hard enough. Homeless people seek handouts from us hard working capitalists.

If I were to disappear into the streets, I would be invisible. I would no longer be a burden. Governments rarely even help homeless. It's all religious groups and charities. I would no longer bring pain to those around me with my poor choices and broken mind. There would be no expectations. My pain would be physical from hunger, lack of sleep, and from the physical elements. That I could understand far easier than the psychological pain. This is why I sometimes think of being homeless as a little suicide. Bonus points because I could still get my psychological pain (shame) from not having the courage to take my own life.