I Whine about Me

So much discomfort. I think I may be somewhat familiar with my needs now? I am not meeting them.

There's a desire that's been inside me for the last week, Be Creative. Painting, crafting, and building has been therapeutic. It feels different when I am creating. Unfortunately, the desire becomes a should. While I need to get ready for an install of new blinds tomorrow, I want to create. There's a recharging that happens when I am creating. Then, when I put it off for so long, it becomes evidence for shame. I cannot seem to enjoy the process. It becomes about the finished product.

Finished product is a should. It's the world of gig economy. Let's all hustle for ourselves. Could I sell my artwork and creations? Hey! Let's try! Just like that, it becomes less about the mysterious feelings that occur in the process and more about the product.

I have spent the entire pandemic saying, “I should put my artwork up online to sell it.” There's not enough art if it starts to sell. I should do more. What if it doesn't sell? How will that affect my mental wellness. Thus, I am frozen again. Sometimes it feels like I am wired for shame like some are wired for coffee. Today is a Sunday, what can I beat myself up about today? I need my fix.

There's a real desire to cry. I want to crawl into bed and try again tomorrow. However, I have to take care of the outside world today and tomorrow. I do not deserve time to grieve. There is physical pain in my body, but I cannot pinpoint exactly where because I am so used to numbing this feeling.