Unfinished Business

I like lists. I've learned that they can get out of hand very quickly. So, my strategy has been to put a max of 3 things on a daily list. Still, things change and items get pushed back. That feels awful.

I worry about time, a lot. It feels like things always take longer than I think. This is a result of my self-hate and believing I am not enough. If journaling is on my list and then I have a terrible sleep and wake up late, I may skip the journal to proceed to the other tasks. However, I see this as a failure. There were only 3 things on the list! Frustrated, I internalize the failure. I tear at dry skin, eat junk food, and stay up late trying to ignore that painful feeling. The next day, I sleep in again and the process continues.

The underlying issue is one of self-love. Of course, one psychiatrist told me that they prefer to treat the symptoms, not the condition. The conversation was about the DSM. The idea that it is a manual is misleading. It's more a glossary of terms so that mental health professionals have a common vocabulary. And, unfortunately the despicable insurance industry uses the manual to allow or deny coverage. Back to me, the symptoms are shoulding myself. I should have journaled. I should have finished the list. I should have got more sleep.

The self-love and shoulding are connected, partners in crime. Increasing my self-love would allow me to be empathetic to myself when I do not finish everything I hoped I would. Removing should from my inner monologue would go a long way towards finding some self-love.

What are some other good strategies for shoulding on oneself? Perhaps a question for a therapist. At the moment, I feel that I should know the answer already as I have been here before. That sucks. (Deep breath)

This is the value of journaling, taking time to have these conversations with myself that I have spent years ignoring. This is a consistent fear I deal with daily, “What if I fall back into old patterns?”