Asleep
The time is 1 am. Suddenly, I am awake. It is as if I went to bed at 4:30 pm. My body is awake as in, “let's start the day.” Though, I only went to bed 2.5 hours ago. What is happening?
I have struggled with insomnia for most of my life. It comes and it goes and lately I have let it keep me company. Then, exhausted and able to do nothing but sleep, I was done with this month's episode of insomnia.
Or not.
At 2:30 am I went back to bed, but what got me up in the first place? Recent journaling here and therapy has me looking inward. Perhaps my insomnia is a result of my insecurity. What do I gain from being awake when everyone else is asleep? Peace and quiet. There are no expectations to meet and no one to disappoint. Is the insomniac Chris the real me? Without the fear, anxiety and shame, I can just breath and relax.
Could I really be awake for me, similar to Revenge Bedtime Procrastination that I spoke of before in my blog? Trying to please everyone else all day because I do not believe I am enough and seek approval from others has led to me to putting on a performance. In the evening, when everyone else is sleeping I can eat that pint of ice cream, watch that horrible reality show, and self-harm without anyone knowing. I do not have to be “on.”
Unfortunately, the evening makes way for the morning. Then, I am left exhausted. This is 'beneficial' in two ways. First, it is a form of self-sabotage. My mind foggy and my body drained, makes accomplishing things difficult. Secondly, This failure to perform is fuel for my shame. It is my fault that I stayed up late. I am to blame. I do not deserve success.
I went to bed at 10:30 pm. I was unable to keep my eyes open. Too many nights where I stayed up until 2 am or 4 am. Finally, my body says, “no more.” Yet, my mind gets me up at 1 am. It's time to relax. It is time to sit in the dark and just be me. Maybe some day I could introduce that person to people in the day time. Perhaps I have already once or twice. Next, I need to either remember this issue every time I have the urge to stay awake late at night, or forget I ever had this conversation with myself. I know which of these options I have chose in the past.