I think the feeling that I am not enough is similar to imposter syndrome. Somehow, I have fooled the world in the past Monday through Friday that I am a competent being like the rest of them. Now that it is the weekend, I want to crash. I am spent. This is what some 'regular' hard-working folks do, right? You work so hard and when the weekend comes you relax. Of course, there are others, like my partner, who want to make the most out of a day off. As an imposter, this means I still have to be 'on.'
I do not deserve to relax because I haven't done enough throughout the week. I didn't hold down a 40+ hour job and take care of my family. The things I did in the week seem minimal compared to what I think the rest of you have done. However, if you're relaxing on the weekend, I can do that too without looking like the awful, waste of humanity that I am.
Perhaps, I am especially anxious this weekend because there are plans to be social with some people to support pride. New people means getting to know them and talk about myself. Since I do not like me, it is not something I like to chat about.
My jaw is tight. I am afraid. I can spin it to anger at myself because the only constant in all of this is me. This is my fault. Now, I have a hollowness in my chest. I am sad after reading what I wrote.