Where Is My Journal?
I fell off the journalling wagon, but why? There is a tendency to overthink these things.
My natural pattern of self-criticism is quick to point out fault and failure. As such, I want to explain away a void in journalling with shame. I also recognized I was overwhelmed over the past week. The overthinking kicks in and I wonder if journalling is helping me or if it is another venue for shame. Is it okay that I missed a few days or is this pointing to something else?
Stop.
Too much thinking has been achieved. Rewind. Break it all down.
I was overwhelmed over the week because of a project. That project was triggering that performative nature within me. 'I am not enough' so I must do the project perfectly to get praise from others because I am incapable of feeling gratitude towards myself. That pattern of perfection and performance is dialed in to feel that I am productive. Being productive is the internalized capitalism we are taught in the West. Maybe I will be enough if I get more done.
The issue at hand is not the journalling, but this desire to be productive. I drop things like meditation, journalling, self-care, and art to be productive. I put a lot of pressure on myself to finish a project last week. Additionally, I am still trying to help raise money through the Ride Don't Hide event. I dropped my activity in the event to 'focus' on the project. Realistically, I never dropped it and the event, like journalling became a new avenue for shame.
Journalling is helpful. I can continue to share my thoughts, even if they are 'positive' thoughts. Missing a day or more may be a sign that I have more growing to do, but it is not the end of the world that my mind proposes it is. Rather than ruminating on missing a number of days, I will try to focus on this moment.