A series of transitional experiences buffered with liminal doughnuts

Joining and Belonging...

If you give me a group of people, I can get them to do things. I'm not sure how it works, it always has worked. Sometimes it has gotten me in trouble and I've learned some pretty tough lessons about being respectful of people who are willing to follow my wild ideas. I've also learned that some people seem to crave this ability and consider it a kind of power. Those people will make things very uncomfortable if they feel that my position in the world is part of a zero sum game.

Between learning to respect and choose not to harm or mock people who will listen to me and trying to avoid the machinations of those who believe that they can usurp a social position that is joined freely by all participants, I've learned to be quiet and cautious around potential leadership positions.

The main side effects of this is that if you need a large group of people to sing along to something I can make it happen AND I am incredibly hesitant about joining groups. Having been through professional indoctrination and functioned as part of some highly regimented and high control groups, I'm ten times less attracted to do that again. I might consider joining a chorus if there were a local university with a strong music program that had a community join option and they were doing a piece that I really really love. Other than that, I'm not interested in joining and I'm only interested in leading in music emergencies and small unit tactical situations that require addressing in real life.

It is interesting to me to observe how my reluctance to join manifests when I do find groups whose topic or purpose interest me.

Today I found a local organization that does a kind of spiritual study and meditation that resonates strongly with me. I've learned that they have a meditation meeting weekly via video meeting. Very cool. I can participate without having to go out into the world and be around other people and their germs.

When I thought about going to their meet ups to participate in person I started thinking things like, “Well, it would be cool to go and see if I could work in the kitchen or wash dishes. Something out of the way.”

Honestly, if you're going to check out an organization, going and washing dishes is a GREAT way to learn about them. Dishwashers seem invisible except when they're being seen as helpful, and people talk in kitchens the way they don't talk out in the “public” spaces. The next time people see you, they'll remember that you were helpful. Almost nobody perceives a dishwasher as a threat, and if you are already in the kitchen you'll get to taste the food and can ensure that any of your dietary needs are tended properly.

But I feel that this is not my only motivation for this thought/plan. The other things I am thinking to myself are, “I'm not really good enough to join this.” “I'm not reliable enough.” “They're going to be disappointed in me.” “I won't fit in.”

It feels really important to me that I make time to sit with those parts of me who are warning me against joining by putting me down. Like, yes, my darlings. Joining is scary. Historically I've been excluded for my various queernesses. When I have been welcomed by queers it has often felt like I have to be 300% more tightly obedient to the groupmind to earn my membership in the group. I'd be expected to adhere to groupthink and to use my leadership skills to convince other people to stay in line and conform. Those things don't combine to strengthen my sense of self-worth.

I don't believe the things that people tell me. I don't believe the things I see on tv. I don't believe the things my own senses tell me to be true. I'm not going to use my ability to lead other people to tell them what to believe. Unless we're singing together, we're using a working song to coordinate human strength, or there is an immediate tactical situation in which life and security depend on immediate cooperation, I'm not going to tell other people what to believe.

Thing is, I can show up, I can help, I can be involved with others in organizations without surrendering my convictions or allowing myself to be put in a position to tell others to surrender theirs. I don't have to hide that behind not being worthy to join. I don't have to hide that behind not being good enough to be welcomed by others.

And that is enough.