The horrors...
I'm in with the horrors now. They're old and familiar, but still horrors.
The doctors have me on some prednisone to help with join inflammation and it is helping with that, but it is also leaving me feeling like I'm going through alcohol withdrawal while being stalked by velociraptors while trying to make it through a stereotypical baby shower party without anybody figuring out that everything is terribly terribly wrong.
My driving urge right now is to collect weapons and sit in a defensible corner with my dog and the weapons and stare and twitch at the world in case it gets any ideas. Everything I perceive is irritating and I'm pretty sure that only about 70% of what I perceive has a cause or manifestation that other people can perceive.
There are many popular ideas about what it means when people perceive things that can't be perceived by others around them. There are a lot of jokes that make fun of people who experience negotiable realities. These cultural phenomena generally result in people hiding what they perceive or being far more likely to be victimized if they are honest.
When I was young I was lucky enough to interact with a lot of very weird people. A full range of positive and negative experiences taught me to be very accepting of what it is I and others perceive without ever losing a sense of skepticism about what those perceptions might mean.
I'll give you an example: A person is sitting in a comfy chair in a room. They perceive a draft.
1) Person states: “It's cold in here.” and turns up the heat.
2) Person states: “There's a draft.” and checks windows and doors to make sure they're closed.
3) Person remains still and listens, hearing the cat jump from the chair to the nearby couch, they dismiss the draft as a sign of the cat's movement.
4) Person checks in with their body, notices scratchy eyes and slightly sore throat, Person changes evening plans, makes tea, moves to the couch to nap through extended LOTR marathon.
This is what Cognitive Behavioral Theory helps us frame for many of our perceptions. “I feel angry!” “Oh? What happened, what about that feels familiar to other situations? How is your angry feeling a sign of potential injustice to yourself or another? How is your angry feeling an echo of a completely different situation? How might you choose your actions right now to care for yourself and not make things worse?”
When my perceptions are feeling more random and disconnected than usual, I'm careful to observe how other people react to things. If nobody around me is reacting to a moving shape or a change in the lighting it is not time for me to react either. But sometimes my perceptions seem to be like metaphorical signals from my brain to me. I'll hear something out of place, smell something unexpected, or see movement where there shouldn't be movement.
I can think of this as being like a random tarot card draw. It looks like a solid object ripples briefly? Is the weather changing? A stranger seems to have a very fierce face for a moment? Do they look like someone familiar? Are they wearing any symbols that indicate possible hostile intent? Are they limping or do they appear to be in pain or tired?
It often feels like my brain is trying to process information in meta cognitive ways, but I can work through each one if I'm careful and I can always focus on my personal security and getting somewhere that will be reasonably safe. I have no expectation that I can function with this much input for an extended period without getting too anxious to be able to rest.
Thing is, my meds do a lot to attenuate this perception sensitivity. Except not today.
I've got all the tools and skills and space and time to work with this situation and care for myself with all the love and compassion I can generate. Still, that creeping feeling is frightening and even knowing all that I know about my mind and life experience that body of memes from popular culture leaves me fearing that I'll slip off of some edge and become dangerous to myself and others.
That fear doesn't come from me. It is intentionally manufactured and spread to teach people not to check in with their intuition, not to listen to their gut feelings, not to trust those who move out of lockstep with local customs and conventions. That fear of my mistreatment at the hands of those would would weaponize fear of me against me is a valid fear. That is a learned fear and it can easily get in the way of me dealing compassionately and effectively with myself when I am vulnerable and suffering.
I can't do anything about that fear, so I'll hold it gently here and comfort it as I would comfort a sick child.
Challenging perceptions with curiosity and intent to be kind is a much faster path to reasonable security and comfort than reacting to every perception by assigning it a narrative and getting ready to fight it.
We can't challenge perceptions if we won't recognize them when they happen. We can't work with them if we're avoiding them or trying to drown them out with other sensations or numbing them. It's hard to find a balance with that, but it gets better when it is faced and addressed with kindness.
When I meet my horrors with curiosity, kindness, and compassion I usually find out that they're frightened little bits of me who only want comfort and some reasonable safety precautions. So I lock the door, drink some water, and snuggle up in bed with all of my horrors and fears. Then I keep them safe and warm until the sun rises and new light shows things from a different angle.