#51
What I notice, whether in friendships or relationships, is that many people come from a prejudgmental and wounded place. They carry so much baggage from one connection to another, which I never fully understood. To me, it feels like a form of escapism, where people initiate friendships or relationships without truly grounding them.
Another interesting trend is that people create a set of rules, like, “If A doesn’t happen, then B won’t happen, and this person is out.” I read a psychologist’s discussion on this, and they said that people with many rules often had unstable childhoods, so rules give them a sense of security. That made sense to me.
Of course, I get that everyone has a type. A mature person, though, is someone who communicates, helps calm your nervous system, and doesn’t flood you with anxiety or stress early on (you’re responsible for your own happiness but it should be enhanced in a good connection) Obviously, if your gut feeling is off, or the person simply isn’t your type, or their way of presenting themselves doesn’t sit right, then that’s one thing. But having endless rules about people seems excessive. There should be room for diversity in the people we meet, because each person brings their own characteristics and uniqueness.
So yes, besides the few things that are non-negotiable, the way we approach attractiveness, relationships, and dynamics should leave some free space. People need space to show you how they do things differently. If they don’t give off bad vibes, if they listen, if they’re empathic and genuinely care, then that should create a safe space for you to observe how they express themselves.
Take lateness, for example. If someone makes you wait an hour every single time, I get that it’s unacceptable and very frustrating. But for me, if it happens once or twice, I just let it go, even though I hate it. I remind myself that I could be on the other end one day. Some people immediately cancel a person for being late, which I find extreme. If it becomes a pattern, I understand, but I don’t cut people off just for that.
There are so many other important things to focus on. I have friends I truly love who always keep me waiting, and I really dislike that, but I communicate it instead of ending the friendship. Maybe it’s just a bad side of their personality, or maybe it’s something else.
In the end, I think society struggles with insecurity, and people try to mask it with too much control.