#73
Going through this whole situation, as a nation, we wake up every day feeling numb. Numb in the sense that emotions feel suspended, yet sadness and shock are still present beneath the surface. It’s an intensely uncertain time for everyone. I just wish that when I feel overwhelmed, my nervous system didn’t default to freezing. I don’t experience fight or flight. I freeze. And that’s difficult, because it disrupts the steady drive I usually have. I’m someone who normally wakes up looking forward to tomorrow, but right now, that feeling isn’t there. I feel stuck in a state where my nervous system hasn’t fully settled or regulated.
Still, I try to be present. I hold onto my plans, even loosely, because they offer a small sense of direction. I know I’ll return to studying Latin, and I want to pick up one of our ancient languages, either Avestan or Pahlavi. I’ve always been drawn to ancient languages.
And in saying all of this, I’m ok with being a mess. There is no glory in having it together, matter of fact no one has and that is pretty much human. Yet I feel more drawn to absurdism after all these and the way world operates.