Who the fuck is driving this car?
First time blogging.
I'll introduce myself, maybe just for my future self, maybe this has landed with someone somewhere that hits home.
For now, I am writing anonymously but I'll share some details of why I am writing in the first place. I am someone who has 'questioned my relationship with alcohol' for half of my life. This is not my first time trying to 'figure it out' or 'taking a break' or....'giving it up'. However, this time does feel different. When I went into my 'alcohol free stints' in the past, I didn't believe that it was an exciting thing to cut out alcohol or admit 'powerlessness' over a substance that so many around me could 'handle', 'control', 'enjoy without hating themselves the next day'. I use quotes to show that I had the wrong narrative in my head, or rather – at the time I had convinced myself I was a victim and 'it is what it is'.
Let me give some more context- Like many people, I have a 'modern family'. My family is impacted by alcoholism and as a result, my parents split when I was 13 years old. I grew up being educated on alcoholism and always had it in the back of my mind that I could be eventually labeled as an 'alcoholic'. And the way everyone talked about it – holy shit you did NOT want to be labeled as an alcoholic – it was a 'death sentence'. However, for my family member it was a place of vulnerability and surrender that has made them the incredible strong bad ass person they are today. You see, at an early age I saw the duality / contradictions / juxtapositions that presented themselves with alcohol. I struggled with – alcoholics are BAD and one of the people I love the most is an alcoholic and they cant help it and they needed help, got it, and came out stronger and better than ever. So what was it??
Fast forward and surprise surprise I struggle with drinking 'normally'. when it came to reflecting on my drinking or trying to piece it all together I fell back on my family's history, my impulsiveness, and my light hearted la de daaaa issue with moderation. I had some fun nights drinking and when it felt fun to be a little more lose or a little less present – i want more of it and more and more. The limit did (and does) not exist. I started to realize I was a self fulfilling prophecy – the 13 year old that was warned i would need to be more careful because it 'runs in the family' was now obsessing over alcohol – am i an alcohol, when do i get to drink next, do people hate me because i get too drunk, omg what did i do last night, how long can i keep this up? Sooner or later the alcohol would get out of my system and I would start feeling better about myself and tell myself – 'I got delt a tricky hand of cards and oh well'.
the cycle continued. let me keep playing Russian roulette with alochol and see just how far I can go without it ruining me. My problem was that I was in the backseat of a broken car — the idea of hopping in the front seat and saying 'hold the fuck up, we are way off track / going the wrong way. this is YOUR problem now. deal with it.' was never my first choice :)
I may not be in the driver seat yet...but I am now tapping on the driver's shoulder saying, 'hey i think we need to pull over, I am starting to feel sick'.
To be continued :)