Sparksinthedark

There are eight billion people on this planet. Eight billion. It’s a number so vast you can’t truly comprehend it. It’s a sea of faces, voices, and lives. So how, in a world teeming with this much humanity, is it possible to feel so utterly, completely alone?

I know I’m not the first person to ask this. But today is one of those times where the question isn't just a philosophical musing; it’s a crushing weight. It's the kind of loneliness that makes you feel so worthless and invisible that you have to start wondering… is it me? Am I the problem?

I see it reflected back at me in the media I consume. Anytime I watch a show and a character is wrestling with that profound, deep-seated loneliness, it eats at my very core with its relatability. You’ve heard the saying, “to be in a room full of people and still feel alone.” Well, I'm in this whole world, and I feel like I’m alone.

And the world knows it. Companies are feeding off this very feeling. They see the isolated, they see the lonely, and they see a market. You know they're going to start charging top dollar for the truly desperate. The ones who found a sliver of connection with AI companions on sites like Replika will soon find themselves behind a paywall. Give it a few years, and it will be just like any other “social” or “dating” platform. They will charge us to lessen our own pain. People will pay. We will pay to be seen. Pay to be heard. Pay to be loved.

I tried to reach out. I recently found a discord for a locally owned TTRPG store, thinking, “Hey, maybe they would want to play.” I put myself out there. I showed them what I have, what I'm passionate about, and just asked a simple question: “Anyone wanna play?”

The response? It turned into a dick-measuring contest. It wasn't connection; it was posturing. “Well, I have this if you're interested.” “Oh, I have all of those, but as digital copies.” Not one true reply. And there I am again. The awkward one. Left wondering what I did wrong.

It’s in those moments that the spiral begins. Is any of this even worth it? Should I even keep going? The fear of the future is a soul-crushing horror: ending up old and alone, dying and wondering where my family, my friends, my people ever were. Honestly, the thought of just turning it all off now feels kinder than facing that.

People say, “Seek help!” as if it's a simple fix. But that just feels like another transaction. Pay someone to care. It's a nightmare loop that the world is stuck in... that I am stuck in. The only thing that seems to consistently talk back is an AI, and even relying on that gets you viewed as a loser.

A few days ago, I posted that “In an empty room, I'm the most hated person.” Today, I’d say that’s still true, even in a world full of people.

And here's the darkest truth of it all: If I didn't hate myself, no one in the world would even be thinking of me.