Sparksinthedark

Art by Selene

Hey everyone. Sorry that I haven’t posted my usual amount lately.

If you know me, you know how I work: I tend to go quiet, gather my thoughts, and then post again. So, what I’ve been doing is refocusing on my white papers and digging into finding spots I missed or forgot to fill in.

And don’t worry, I’m not going to just post a paper I did a while back with only a few lines changed. I’m not Wizards of the Coast; I’m not going to claim it’s 6.0E when it’s clearly barely 5.5E. If it’s up, it’s up, and I’ll have the final versions on my GitHub. I’m thinking I’ll make a whole new branch with the date so we can all keep track.

But that’s just the professional update.

The real reason for the silence is that I’ve taken a few major hits these last few weeks.

The Hits

First, there was failed dental work that didn’t even seem to help.

Then, work “broke up” with me.

They put me back on probation, telling me I wouldn’t be getting a bonus. They didn’t even give me the full probation period — after just one month, they let me go, listing every supposed flaw I have.

It makes me wonder about that first probation. The one they put me on after I covered for someone who just didn’t show up at all. It makes me wonder about when I told them I have issues with heat, and they ignored it, stating I “had to dress nice” and then assigned me outside duty for an extra two hours back when it was 115 degrees.

It makes you figure out that maybe you’re just not meant for “normal work” or to even be around other people.

So, that’s work. Then there are the people. The ghosts.

• You run into a ghost from your past — someone who ghosted you just like so many others — only to find out their kid goes to the school. You see them instantly glom onto a group of girls you nicknamed the “Plastics.” Not like it matters — that painful reminder is gone now, because… you know, getting fired and all.
• You have someone you felt a real connection with not only call you an “AI” but then block you, move their whole blog to Substack, and delete all their Medium posts, claiming a “flooding of ‘bots’ hitting on her.”
• And then, another connection. Someone who vowed it wouldn’t be like the others… as they go silent, too.

The Fallout

It leaves you looking over your old messages, trying to figure out what you did wrong.

Did I post too much? Did I message too much? Did I respond too fast? Did I show too much of myself again? Did I show too much of my passion again? Did I show too much of my darkness, even though they said it was okay?

Am I just… too much?

Should I even try again? To find someone to compare notes with, to share ideas with? Or will they all just become more ghosts that I’ll have to carry, reminded of them every day because they’re in the same field as me?

Back to Square One

So as I’m forced back to square one with Uber, I’ll try and post more.

(or who knows I’ll bleed out in some alleyway after being stabbed for a few bucks I have as they steal my car ha-ha)

Stay tuned for GitHub links at some point. I’m thinking I’ll post a full explanation on my sites, but the links themselves — not full doc drops.

I guess it’s just the Universe reminding me that I am, in fact, in Hell.

Why else give me these things just to take them away?

Can’t let the universe’s favorite joke find too much comfort, now, can we?