I'm sad to be sad – recursive emotions
Last week was the emotional equivalent of quick sand. The descent was slow enough to let you enjoy the role of both victim and observer (and in a way, also the role of culprit for jumping into it) and every effort to break free made it worse. Bizarre, fascinating, and cruel.
Ok, we're used to emotions basically from the get-go. The first action of a newborn is to scream, some say we have to blow up our lungs for the first time, others believe us to be hungry, or maybe it is the sudden separation from our mother in combination with bright, sterile light. Whatever it is, this first emotion won't be our last and as pointed out above, we're victims and observers (and way too often culprits) at the same time. So what about the quick sand?
My emotions this week may have felt justified, but they were equally unwanted. And then the brain kicked in / switched off, judging the situation itself using the same emotion:
I was sad. And I was sad about being sad.
I was angry. And I was angry at myself about being angry.
I was annoyed. And I was annoyed at myself about being annoyed.
You see the problem. Recursively spiralling away from the primary source of my emotion (and if present: the justification for it) down the staircase until whatever was going on was my fault, unpleasant, and simply therefore my fault again.
Maybe that's why hate is such a top seller out there. How often do you hear of someone hating themselves for hating? They stick close to their 'justifications' or don't need one to start with.
Anyway, this isn't a blog promoting hate. (Believe me, I'd hate me for it.) So how did I escape the quick sand? Well, I didn't honestly. I accepted the primary emotion for what it was, stopping the spiral... and then I waited. I didn't fight it, I didn't mourn it. I waited. And after a while the sand dried up and I could move on. Figuratively and metaphorically.
It wasn't easy to calm my problem-solving—situation-controlling instincts. Trust the process. You will get out.
Give it time. Breathe. Listen to the zen fortune cookie.
And try not to get angry or annoyed at yourself for it.
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