What a devastating week for me right when my birthday's around the corner. My kittens passed away just yesterday. I went to the vet a few days ago, tried to give them meds but they weren't strong enough to handle it. They left after 1-2 days. Everything is still so fresh right now and I just can't help but feel so down. And yet, I can't just break down because their mother is sick too and I can't just let her be without doing anything. All I ever want is to have a peaceful day on my birthday but I don't think I'll ever feel at ease until she recovers.

I thought this year would be different. After my kittens died last year, I thought I'm ready enough to become a cat mom again. And yet, this thing happened again. I honestly wanted to scream at myself. Scream so loud I won't ever hear anything anymore. Because I know why they died. I know it was my fault why they died. It was because I wasn't responsible enough to get them vaccinated. I've been so stuck with the idea that they are strays and they can do without it. Just because our first family cat survived until his senior years without going to the vet (my family doesn't want to spend money for him + I was still a student back then), doesn't mean the next kittens I bring will. I'm so stupid. First thing I should've done is get them vaccinated. And yet, I didn't for some reason. I'm so dumb. If only I could turn back time. Oh I wish I could. Now there's nothing but their memories. I'm still keeping my hopes up for the mother cat. I feel like she has a chance to survive. I hope she does. Please. I promise I'll become a better mom. Please.

I think this will be the last time I'm going to be a cat mom. I'm going to give myself first some time to cry, feel sad and reflect on all the shit I've been doing and educate myself about the proper way of caring for cats starting from the most basic thing up to tiniest detail. Just being a cat lover isn't enough. Adopting a cat is a whole new responsibility. If a cat can't even reach 1 year of age (human year) under your supervision, you're seriously doing something wrong. Yes, I'm talking to myself right now. Sigh. This will be a long break for me but I promise, one day, I'll be able to call myself a cat mom again. And a proud one at that.