Bath thoughts 01/04/2022
Maybe my obsession with water stems mainly from my attempted drownings as a child. I'm remembered of those each time i'm submerged in water. Those times where i was so full, so overwhelmed, only water was here to fill the space between my body and the world, I wanted her to enter me so she could chase everyting I had in me. I wouldn't be left empty, but filled with water, instead of whatever was in me that I wasnt able to control, nor name. Water was real, I could see her, sense her with my body, she was violent and calm.
Before, i was obsessed with other things than water. All sort of things, items, objects, stuff, inanimate or not. For some reason I'd feel strong concections with the most random things, some sort of empathy, empathy towards myself. I was just seeing myself in all of those objects, they acted as a mirror in a way that my peers couldn't. I felt stronger connection with ghoullas (white fluffy stuff, thistle seeds) than any member of my family or friends. I remember how sensitive i was to snails, I could watch them for hours, and project everything I was onto them. I'd cry, I'd feel understood and validated. I should observe more, just like I did as a child.
Now I'm reminded of Totoro, this is what being a child felt like, I was Mei, I think we all were to some extend, sensitiv to the world we perceived, playful with it instead of being afraid. It was so happy being a child but also so hard, I have no idea if it is harder now. What's difficult now, is being aware that I'm very far from my childhood, and I could never gain back the world I had. I have to live in the world I have. Inner child this, inner child that, I only have and idea of who she is, what she wants. All that i might remember about her now, are just a projection of my own desires and fears.
Back to the water, she is so warm. Is it cold in the water? Only when it is lonely. Not now. Back then. To erase this loneliness, I tried to drown myself. I never succeded. Why? A nameless fear. A child should not be afraid of death. And it wasn't death that I was afraid of, but life. Rightfully so.
I like to stare at a source of light, and then close my eyes, seeing those colored shapes in the dark, travelling from right to left and then falling. They become smaller, now it is just a dot, a star, it falls. And then appear again. I open my eyes and now i see its negativ on the wall, i could touch it, i see my hand approching, and as it gets closer, it disappears. I close my eyes again and here it is again, but I cant see my hand anymore. I like those shapes, I like sensing what is not there, I can see them. Only I. And then, I know that I am.