jules broke my heart
i find it utterly heartbreaking to know that I and many maybe most of us live their lives like this
not being able to fully express oneself, being layered in performance, not being able to identify who we truly are, nor to bring it back to the surface of existence
without evn percieving that others struggle the same way, and show what needs to be shown in order to be judged the way we want to be. tht image we construct for ourselves, without really graspin that it didnt come from us, and project for all to be seen. that is loneliness
performance is a prison to me, nd im always waving between believing that it is all there is to social life and yearning to strip down from it. but when I do, there is often nothing left, not evn my body.
all i want for all and me, is to stop feeling restricted by the means of communication in order to express ourselves. communication and expression are 2 different things. one of those is not meant to be recieved or understood, sure it can, but it's not its purpose.
also the whole reality/fantasy thingie was so chef's kiss, like i probably will write an essay abt it, its not like i dont have the material.