my mom just asked me why i never ask for help. I didn't answer her. I never ask for help, because i can't, because i am alone.
I remember who i was when i was maybe 14? walking around the mall, just bought a bag with money I stole. I remember telling myself that I will never ask anything from anyone, specially not from my family. I made this prommse to myself, that I regret so deeply now. I wont blame my young self, I blame me, who still makes the same decision, the same promise, over and over again.
I am alone. I cant count on anybody. I can't ask anything from noone. That's why I take, and I take, I take everything that I can, even what I don't want. Without remorse, without appreciation, I just take. Everything that is given to me, I hold on to it, as it can soon not be mine. What I want, I could never ask for it. I do not know what I want, and I do not want what I get.
Remembering when I made this promise. Those teenage years were the loneliest. I was abondonned left and right. I had no family, no friends, noone to love. Just myself. Everyone I encountered was an enemy. So of course, I had to count only on myself. I was strong enough back then, life was not as hard back then. So I commited to this loneliness. It is only when becoming an adult that I