Got irrationally angry today because of too many bad memories.
See, this is why I warned my sister not to send me outrageous screenshots after 8pm. Can't sleep.
I told Eta just a few days ago that she needs to be careful when looking for friends because many autistic people grow up developing personality disorders.
She worried about my mental health since we were kids because I was always unsettlingly wacky. But we all turned out to be the normal ones. Which was kind of the reason why I made the wrong assessment about other people. I thought they, or at least the majority of them, would be somewhat like us.
“The Nine Degrees of Autism” is overpriced and I don't recommend buying it. But there was a useful chapter describing several outcomes of an autistic child dealing with bullies in the developmental phase.
You choose to be yourself and the consequence is isolation. But if lucky, you might find kind-hearted friends along the way.
Or you choose to mimic social norms to be more socially agreeable, and the consequence is the loss of self. Often later become personality disorders.
Be yourself means you will have to recognize your aggression very early. Not many people choose this outcome, as I found out later. You can deal with it however you think useful, but recognition is important. If your friends find it normal, you accept it as a part of you, not something to hide. People who can accept your aggression, normally are not surprised that you are selfish and greedy too.
This is what people who mimic social norms don't understand. Because social norms are all about saving face. Healthy people understand the difference between public self and private self. Bunch of phony people in public but they treat people close to them considerately and intimately. Half of them are my family or friends who are without autism.
If you explain that to them now, they still don't understand. Because they do that since forever. Camouflaging is who they are more than anything else. You would think, logically, their trauma makes them more considerate of other people. But when you don't process your aggression, you pretend it wasn't there. It becomes a way of life. It's denial after denial. They often have gender problems. They often become exploitative and opportunistic.
Anyway, I go to sleep now. See you later.