My Dad

No I didn't read psychology stuff to find out what was wrong with me. I thought I was perfect the way I was. Still do. I wanted to know what was wrong with everybody else.

Especially my dad. I was highly suspicious that he was more than just a pain in the neck. I knew he loved me, because he kept following me all around town in case someone jumped out from the bushes to attack me. But he was also too critical of me, while didn't seem to have that attitude with my sister. But also, mom said he only listened to me. Now that is just confusing.

Turns out we have the same problem because it's a genetic thing. Which is both positive and sad at the same time. Because I now understand why, but there is very little I can actually do about it. I can't tell people to live differently so they can cure their depression when their life is already tied up with multiple social responsibilities. Ones that I myself don't have because I live in a different generation.

I don't like quotes but here is a good one: “The experience of speaking from the heart and being taken seriously builds the psychic architecture that supports the capacity to bear life.”

I don't think my dad and I have more problems than the average people. Probably why I don't complain a lot. I mean I do. But mostly about the whole “social skills” thing more than about the unfortunate events.

But, whatever I do, is often motivated by something totally different to other people and if I say it out loud it will get mocked. I know that because I already did plenty of times in the past and it's not worth the effort anymore. Hey people can tease you sometimes without bad intentions. But when everyone does, it's a very lonely place to be in.

This is why I want to play so much now. I was already miserable as a kid. It doesn't make sense that I also choose to be miserable as an adult too, when I have the option of “not to be”.