The false self

I read my notes back when I was 17. Most of them were how much I wanted to travel as far away as possible. But I was very depressed and almost suicidal back then. Which, seems unreasonable, because I had good academic records and caring family. My friends also bought me candies all the time.

Apparently, when Winnicott said “It is a joy to be hidden and a disaster not to be found”, it wasn't about telling you how to use social media strategically.

The false self is what it takes to get social acceptance.
There are traits/emotions/conditions needed to be hidden in dysfunctional environments for safety reasons.

I think it's less of a problem that we try to adapt to different situations at all. But more of a problem that, without a helpful guideline, we might actually forget about certain parts of ourselves that want to be seen. Or go as far as to convince ourselves it never existed in the first place.

There is this stinky moment when someone realizes I'm not innocent therefore ruins their illusion. But I never advertised that. The reason everyone in Literature (except my teacher) hated me was because I said the defense mechanisms out loud. You know how teenagers can get defensive. Being naive was never the personality I aimed for.

Oh but I'm totally fine with being seen as sweet and lovely when it works for my advantage. They are not wrong though. It's not all I have. But if it comes from someone I don't have much care for, I feel flattered.

But Eta enjoys my sadism. My sister enjoys my narcissism. My parents enjoy my destructiveness. Khanh enjoys my avoidance. And I wouldn't know any of that if I didn't ask them 8 years later. As it turned out, I was lying to myself back then that people only liked me for being a good kid. But they seemed to know exactly who they were dealing with and chose to love me anyway. The only one denied the love was me.