Writing

I stopped writing in my early 20s. Because, I knew what I was doing.

I deleted everything I wrote after 15 minutes. It didn't take more time than that to realize I employed narcissistic defense.

Writing when I was 14 was fun because I was purely idealistic. Sure my classmate hired older dudes to (unsuccessfully) beat me up and my teammates threw trash at me. But I also had many good relationships at the time. And normally, it took years for avoidance to peak. In the beginning, it only made me funnier therefore a great conversationalist.

Depressive + narcissistic personality is a great combo for creative communication. As you feel deeply, and have the courage to say it out loud. But after 18, all I had left was narcissistic. Avoidance ate all the depressive in my disposal. Which was more than okay. Because I was about to sign myself up for the best economics school in the country and couldn't wait to join the dark side of humanity. For I was a total realist.

The problem with knowing your own arrogance is, there is very little you can actually do about it. And being just arrogant with no redeeming qualities is not something to be proud of. To be more socially acceptable, a quick fix solution is to employ moralizing defense. But it would be a performance. Much like how changing clothes doesn't make you a new person. The boho maxi dress doesn't make you more loving and peaceful. The denim jacket with rivets doesn't make you more courageous.

Now that I get my depressive back, I want to write a gain, and listen to love songs as well.