January 3th, 2025

Summary of Life pt.2

This day still means nothing to me. But I think I need regular updates to track what happened to me because my memory is not all that reliable.

1. Aspirations and Goals

The working-in-business idea turned to dust when one day I woke up and thought to myself: “Do I even want to wear those ugly A-skirts and work among these people?”

My original plan was working a real job that I would get compensated for my intelligence till retirement then travel and write books. But my intelligence so far has only made it harder to generate profit if there was any at all. Getting compensated for my heart turned out to be a more viable option. I had people tell me that they only bought my books because they had PTSD and the books reminded them of their childhood. So I'm pretty happy these days. Now the problem is having a brain working regularly too!

Although me going back to Vietnam threw away the traveling plan with my friend. But being myself is way more important to me, at least that's my priority at the moment. If that means cutting back on several things, I can still do that. And if I have a boyfriend, I will forget all about my friends anyway!

2. Finance

As buying a lot of fun toys with my first money turned out to be a huge mistake, I'm even stingier than before. Some people might think that’s not even possible. Well I prove them wrong.

But my spending patterns in different sectors are mostly the same. I still like looking special more than having a reliable vehicle or expensively good food.

I have the same people I hung out with since childhood. They probably won't leave me ever or talk to each other. I don't think I want some more friends. Just a lot of work. I spent months vetting each one of them and it was only because I had too much free time in school.

4. Love

Although I felt extremely empowered when I told stupid boys to get lost, I already cut contact with everyone everywhere possible so there are no new people to insult these days.

Of course I want to love one person forever. At least that was my original plan anyway. But I thought then, if that one person existed, they must be someone who also ran away from everyone and everything.

When people say, adult love is not supposed to be exciting but calm or however mature people are supposed to feel. I think they are trying to convince themselves that they are fine with what they have than it's a fact.

How come getting to know someone is not exciting? How come it's not even more exciting when you can also know more about yourself through another person? And there is always a lot more to know! I never did anything without passion. So I don't think it is possible for me not to have all the fun in love. I guess it only stops exciting when we're not curious anymore, not just with the other person, but within ourselves and what's around us.

5. Health

I don't get sick as much as when I was a kid. I have extremely good skin these days though I have to go to bed at 10 pm every day and it has been a disruption to my edgy lifestyle. I was supposed to keep swagging.

6. Events

There were not many new things happened as much as I solved what had already happened to me.

Acceptance of expressions can come in many forms.

You can see a kid arrogant, or jealous, or seeking attention and not assign them bad intentions, even call them innocent, or nostalgic and playful. But as adults, or even teenagers, they all became unacceptable. Even when the person still has many other good qualities. You don’t want to see them as a whole person.

I don't expect everyone to accept me more than what they want to see from which medium they see it. But one or a few can see beyond it is enough.