Reframing Boundaries: Owning Your Power in Relationships
Boundaries are self-protection. If you’re keeping people in your life that you think treat you poorly, you’re making a choice to do that. If you decide that you no longer want that in your life, then you’re making a choice to end or limit those relationships. Both of those are choices and neither of them have anything to do with boundaries.
Let’s debunk some myths around boundaries.
Myth
Boundaries are about telling other people how to treat you.
Truth
There’s a saying that we “teach people how to treat us.” But that’s not true. You don’t teach anyone anything—they choose how to treat you, and you choose how to respond.
You can’t demand anything from anyone. You don’t get to enforce rules and expect people to follow them. You simply decide which relationships you want and which ones you don’t.
Myth
If someone crosses my boundary, they are disrespecting me.
Truth
Respect is not earned because it’s not a form of currency—it’s given freely or not at all. That’s a choice each person makes for themselves.
You can’t demand respect from someone. They will either give it or they won’t. What you do with that is up to you. If you don’t like the way someone treats you, you have the power to limit or end the relationship.
A boundary isn’t about controlling others—it’s about making an internal choice for yourself. It’s your decision about what you’re willing to tolerate in a relationship and your willingness to make a different choice based on how others act.
Myth
Setting boundaries means enforcing rules to make other people listen to you and change their ways.
Truth
You have no control over anyone but yourself. Boundaries are not a tool for controlling others. They are simply choices about who you allow in your life and under what conditions.
Using boundaries as a form of control is exhausting and painful because most people won’t follow your rules. If you see boundaries as a way to make others behave a certain way, you’re setting yourself up for constant disappointment. Instead of protecting you, this approach actually creates more pain.
Boundaries, when used the way we’ve been taught, create more pain than protection.
- Trying to control others through boundaries makes them feel ineffective, leaving us feeling powerless.
- We isolate ourselves, reinforcing a false sense of self-protection that only makes the world seem scarier and more unsafe.
- When we put our power outside of ourselves, we give others control over how we feel.
- But the truth is, relationships are always a choice—no matter who the person is. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship.
By reframing how we see boundaries, we put our back inside of ourselves. We give ourselves the power of choice, ownership over how we feel, and control over who we have relationships with. This enables us to put down our swords and stop defending ourselves. Instead of living in a constant state of self-defense, we create a sense of ease and safety within ourselves—one that, over time, becomes untouchable by the world around us.
Love to all.
Della