like a personal journal to capture insights

I am only as strong as my addict. I did an exercise yesterday in which I have a conversation with my addict part of myself. The addict part of myself is the part (theory) that I left behind when I quit competitive sports at age 21, when my dad distanced himself from me because I wasn't playing sports anymore, and my parents got divorced, quickly sold the house, and my mom went into her own recovery, and my dog died, all within a couple years. Most of my world was gone, I had no idea who I was, and I did not know how to live life. This is when I first started my addiction and using addiction as an escape from life. My addict self is the part of me that is afraid of life, afraid of making mistakes, and wanting the same attention and security I got in my early life as an athlete. My wounded and very inexperienced / immature self did not have the emotional maturity or insight to figure out life in a healthy way after everything happened. During the exercise dialog my addict self sounded like a child, saying he can't face life, he doesn't know how, I can't stand failure, and all he's known in life is through sport where he was the “star” and was the best, now he feels like a loser. I disagreed with my addict self and called out that acting in addictive ways as not acceptable form of dealing with loss and fear. Addict self agreed but said that he needs love, understanding, and structure. Going forward I am going to remember to incorporate this part of myself in my daily life. I had tried to pretend that I could go back to being “a star” who has life figured out with security and forget about the whole life gone to shit I have no idea what I'm doing self. I need to live as a whole, and give the scared, anxious, and discouraged parts of myself attention and love, understanding, and structure.