like a personal journal to capture insights

I just had the most delicious english muffin with butter and honey. This morning I started a new recovery schedule of prayer, then yoga, then meditation, then a walk while listening to music. Putting that much attention to myself after years of waking up and going right to work or something productive or “scrolling” sparked a feeling that I had abandoned myself. Yesterday I made a promise to myself to put my relationship with my wife, family, friends, and myself over work pressure, societal pressure, and financial pressure. I am seeing more clearly that me trying to run the show of my life based on the programming of false success “white picket fence, financial success, career success” is absolutely making me miserable. I'd rather be a good man, good husband, good brother, good son, a good friend, a good cousin, and have tons of fun verging on irresponsible while having a mediocre or lack luster career rather than strive for “success” and be an emotionally distant person, stressed, anxious, addictive, sleepless, and probably STILL have a mediocre career. All efforts to be “successful” is paradoxically ruining my life. I am lost, tired, and lonely, and I am ready to drastically work on changing my perspective of what success is in life. In some sense I believe my addiction gave me something exciting or new to experience, even if it is negative because the suffocation of feeling isolated and pressure to make “100k”. I am glad the unconscious plan of trying to become the Bruce Wayne of my life is crashing and burning hard. There are so many people and things to do in life that have nothing to do with money, productivity, or being recognized, and that is what I find myself daydreaming about.