§123 “This was I suppose successfully accomplished; & it is now Sunday morning, damp & close & over all the sense already of transmigration, of shedding one habit for another.”
[30.xi.25.n : dimanche / 30 September] je me demande : où est passée ma matinée? je suis restée éveillée tard hier soir, parce que Y&K étaient en visite, voir ma poste “My Day is a Novel (29 Nov)”. Hier, j’ai repris mes études de linguistique. Ne pas que j’aie complètement arrêté. Mais l’écriture de mon roman de novembre (NN25 / If around the dark star an orbiter) était devenue ma priorité absolue. Et j’ai passé mes soirées à lire en anglais plutôt qu’à lire en français, ou même à regarder des films 映画) français sans sous-titre. (Pourquoi les kanji? j’apprends aussi la japonaise et dans ma leçon hier, j’ai appris le mot japonaise pour film: 映画, qui se prononce eiga or えいが. Mais je ne connais pas encore les kanji. Mais quand je tape l’hiragana sur le clavier de mon ordinateur, les kanji apparaissent automatiquement … as if I knew !!)
[14.xi.25.a : dimanche / 30 September, cont.] I feel I must start again … following V.W.’s example of infrequent entries in the intimate journal ,, my lagging [here] behind isn’t a question of laziness, but of attention … the chapters of leadworth spin out apace … But to you (me?) my present & future reader, the actual (real) time of writing doesn’t matter, the only thing that matters is that I write … again it’s Sunday morning, but no longer damp & close, but white & wide, the world outside my window covered over with a thick and growing layer of snow, & the rumble and scrape of snow plows circling the streets like prehistoric sentinels.
my autumn coat is growing
longing for ease & speed
to be deposited in a heap
V.W. : “Then I want to write ‘a book’ by which I mean a book of criticism…” I understand ,,, the need to analyze, study, to say something about how books are made and how they might be made, how the book of the future will be written, why so many writers are stuck with such conventional ideas about the novel. Of course, we know why. Capital keeps a close reign on everything with its system of punishment and reward, mostly punishment though … bannishment, exclusion … / I wish to be relieved of the image of the reader.
Easier to write when the act is gratuitous, when there is no incentive, when the words are unwanted. I don’t intend this in any pitiful way, coz at the moment, these words are indeed unwanted by anyone else but me. That might change. The unwanted words could become desired words under the right conditions and those are the conditions which I must create … or not and luxuriate in my anonymity. Truth be told [!!] I’ve got it good. Delusion or illusion? It’s a question of potential, of time travel, of action and decision. The first step: to put the words where you can find them, si tu veux mais comment peut-on désirer quelque chose si on ne le connaît pas déjà?
My task is simple. My task is to sit here and write, to show up each day and carry out the labor that has been assigned and then to offer it up. If you want to accept my offering, you could begin by reading some of what I was writing last month. Or better yet, write your own book.