if someone could put down on paper
or maybe caption their instagram posts
with all the words you'd need to explain
the feeling of losing yourself over and over
while someone reaps the benefits of your
pain well you'd color me surprised because
it's been two years and they've been exactly the same
and i surely can't imagine a world where my
brain could think normally again because
what is normal normal is lost
average is gone i live in a hell
not some metaphorical shell
i live in an actual holding cell that keeps changing
perpetually my entire being is being displaced
how do you expect me to get a fucking job, mom?
oh honey it's easy you just work at a place
where if you can't keep the pace you'll just be replaced
and then you have nothing to lose right right right right
are you sure that's the right thing are you doing what's right
never hey are you doing alright because no i am not
haven't been since that very night that man i loved made me light
the rest of my life on fire why'd i give him the right it's not like i
tried i didn't know that someone could even want
to take my life for their own without even making the most of
the ashes and embers that i left behind i am no phoenix but i
tried to come back and was greeted with about five thousand fucking
smacks of hello go on and get up off your god damn ass and go work and
all of your problems every single element of your life will become
perfect if you JUST GO AND GET A JOB but not just anywhere
somewhere nice because if you aint the C E O then you arent my child
why work somewhere part time you're practically falling apart dying so just put every last crumb of yourself into some place into someone
else's wildest dream and stop fretting about all these problems no they
don't stem from politics they don't stem from your health or really
lack thereof no they stem from all those crazy things you think
you know about god and how the world works
and all those friends of yours yeah they bad influenced you
you used to be so smart yet you refuse to work so hard
why do you think your life is falling apart it's all because you
didn't get a job you're so good you're so great look at you
you look sick not to be rude but you look the worst you've
ever been i mean look there is skin hanging off of your bones
don't you think now is the time we've been trying to help
as a matter of fact i sent you six job listings yesterday
don't you remember why don't you ever come see me why
don't you act like you love me why do you have an attitude
you need to grow up make your own phone calls but come
live back at home and work down the road so you can walk there
everyday why dont you want to come home live with us
they say like it's healthy when she knows she's been abused too
im sorry mom but i cant help you and i cant help me and this
mess is far too big for any one person to fix money isnt the answer
its the problem its the problem money is the problem money
is not the answer do you hear me
do you hear me
money is not the answer to my problems
money is thing that created this beast that feasts on my heart
and it wasnt even me i didnt want that maybe i was a little
needy but not ever greedy i mean i havent ever even had more than a
few hundred dollars in my bank account
humbly i was just trying to pay my rent but i couldnt even do that
because the whole world got sick from loneliness so they decided
to call it a crime to socialize and that made my paycheck smaller
so when i couldnt afford that place anymore i moved on again and
got treated like shit have no idea im jaded i beg that every person
reading my words gets put in my shoes get the fuck in my head not long just a few moments and feel the pain fear my fears fight my fights for that fact then all i ask is that you come here and stand in front of me i beg you to look in my eyes and say to my face that you still think that i'm not better off being dead.