Lack of breath as I wipe tear drops off my neck because I fear the attendance of myself around my “friends”..
Or what i assume ihave left
I’m not sure of when the exact point of time in which I became so unnecessary.
For the own sake of my sanity, I hope to hell it was just yesterday.
Stuck in a naive fantasy of what I think I’m supposed to be.
I think I’m getting pretty fucking annoying.
Sometimes I feel I’m stuck inbetween walls.
I can see forward, look back .. but I’m stuck. can’t seem to move out of my own state of mind. I’m melted and cemented into a never ending kaleidoscope sense of being.
When does the shaking of my own head stop, and the walls open up ?
Constantly battling with my mirror, sometimes I don’t even look.
I actually go days even without looking at my reflection.
I’m pretty sure that’s evidence for some mental health attention.
It’s not even that it’s because of how I look or how I feel about my appearance it’s the fact I get sick to my stomach at the thought of my current existence.
Sometimes I day dream about the chance of a redo… the things I would do.
Then I get caught back up in my mental anxiety laughing at me.
Telling me, It would be just a redo,
Id fuck it up again, chapter 2.
Okay, I get it.
Writing non stop negative shit about myself is the epitome of useless.
I’m not doing this on purpose.
I’m structurally faulted im trying to resolve it,
But I don’t know where to start or what to do at all.
I don’t know the first step or how it feels to have your mind set not drilled into a fucking brick wall.
To not feel like achievement of happiness is found at the bottom of the ocean,
I’ve never even seen a single honest moment.
I wouldn’t call my shoulder the angel and devil,
My left is already telling me I’m a loser and my right just says do it, but you’ll still be a loser.
There’s no outcome I foresee that is what I think in my mind I’m ultimately meant to be.
What road didn’t I cross or what choice did I make wrong to have my mind be something I’d never put on anyone. Is so fucking messy.
Like static in your tv, a missing piece to a puzzle. A lick without a key.
Someone please tell me how to be happy.
I just want to be … I just want to be able sit down and relax.
I wanna know that my past is my ducking past.
That I have a future before
Me and not a cconstant pit in my stomach if I’ll even make it to 40.