Side effects
As I sit sick and uncomfortable in front of my computer, I’m still reeling from one of the worst depressive episodes that I can remember. It has been around a year since I’ve proudly declared, and believed, that any down would not be enough to kill me, and while that is still true at this moment, it doesn’t mean that it won’t cripple me when it happens.
This past month made me confront that there are side effects that are probably stuck with me for the rest of my life. If I had gone to therapy sooner, would they still be here? Would I have the same issues but would they be more manageable?
Right before I started feeling defeated, I was going through a period of feeling elated every day, sometimes feeling too cocky. I discovered I like being more of a clown rather than a serious and polite person. I took the chance to feel more genuine, disregarding my usual fear of the hard turn downwards that always happens to me shortly afterwards. It was amazing, everything I’ve written before seemed validated, I was finally living a more enlightened life, but now the bad times struck by surprise.
First I thought I was just burnout from socializing too much, but I’ve also discovered I’m not that introverted when I’m not thinking too much about not making the right impression. Then I thought it was change of seasons, although we’re still not in fall where I live. So I just accepted that my mind decided it was time to be a little sad for a little while.
When that ‘little while’ extended to a couple of weeks I started feeling anxious about it. When it reached a month, I surrendered to the blur that my thoughts were becoming, trying to survive until my mind calmed down a bit.
These days I’ve wanted to go back to when I was worried about what feels like smaller problems now: What is my real identity? What do I want out of life? What comes next?
Now I’m wondering how I’ll manage something that will likely never end, something that won’t kill me but still hurts.