I’m going to start a new phase of my treatment and I’m anxious about it. The last phase absolutely sucked in terms of the side effects, but at least I knew what to expect, more or less. I’d settled into a routine, more or less. So, really, it’s the change, the unknown that I’m fearing. I’m trying to come to some sort of peace. I’m tempted to google the new treatment, to venture down the rabbit hole of message boards where patients share their experiences. But I know that that will just lead to more anxiety, more chaotic thinking.
The only way for me to know, for sure, how I will experience this new phase is for me to experience it for myself. This brings about a bit of a feeling of loneliness, being alone in facing this next, new-to-me phase. I have to remind myself that I’m not the first person to be here, in this position. The treatments I’m receiving aren’t brand new. Others have gone through this. Other people have faced change and the unknown and far more difficult challenges and I try to think about them as my companions and role models through this.
I named this blog “Three Little Birds” because of the Bob Marley song; it’s one that fills me with hope. Music (art, stories, books, poems, etc…) has made me feel less along through much of this, through much of life. I didn’t put together until just now that Marley died from cancer. So I guess I just realized that Bob Marley is my companion through this twice over: once through his music and once as a fellow human being facing the unknown of cancer and its treatments.