I’m lazy.
Or at least that’s what the voice that’s somehow burrowed itself into my head tells me.
My higher self knows that I’m just sick, that I’m dealing with the side effects of the chemo and the cancer. But it’s hard to hear that voice sometimes. Much of the time.
My spouse has been doing much of my care. As I gradually have days where I can do more, it still feels like not enough. I still feel, well, lazy or that I’m just making an excuse. I feel like I’m not productive enough. Enough for what?
Each time I step onto the scale at the doctor’s office, the numbers go down. There was a time when I would have been pleased by this. But I know that now it’s all muscle loss. I’m growing weaker with the number shrinking. And I know that exercise would help, but… It feels impossible. Where do I even begin with exercise when I have days where just getting up and down the stairs leaves me needing to sit? Where do I even begin when I have moments when merely trying to retrieve a word (much less some sort of plan for exercise) is a struggle?
The voice that tells me I’m making excuses sure doesn’t have a hard time retrieving words.