Too much information is, well, too much information.
I’ve mentioned before on here that I try to resist the urge to google every symptom, every comment from the doctors and nurses, every “cure” and dietary suggestion. It takes a great deal of will power on my part. I have this belief that somehow if I can just learn everything then maybe I can heal myself… or something. Like, somewhere in the vast piles and websites and pages and servers, there are some bits of information that if I could just find the pattern, link them together then things wouldn’t be the way they are.
Of course, this is ridiculous and, actually, I’ve had moments that all of this information is actually harmful. I’ll read someone else’s story in some chat room … a story that doesn’t end well and it’ll put me in an unhelpful funk as I try to figure out how that’s not what’s going to happen to me. I’ve come across numerous people on line who tout diets and alternative “therapies” as cures for cancer. In the midst of chemo pain and fatigue, the alternatives sound very inviting. But I also feel like I’m drowning in on-line information and stories and at times it takes me away from what I’m experiencing right in front of me in real life, it takes me away from trusting my doctors and other care providers and, most importantly, from trusting myself.
For example, on top of the chemo and cancer, I currently have a cold. It’s making it hard to sleep and do much of anything. What can I do? Rest, read, watch TV and movies, spend time with the people around me. One of the things I can’t do is comfortably take a walk. And, yet, because I’ve read all this on line information about the importance of exercise to healing, part of me is putting a lot of pressure on myself to get outside in spite of the pain and discomfort. In other words, all this overload of information is making me ignore what my body is trying to tell me: to just rest.
I have an unhealthy sense of perfectionism. (Although what perfectionism is health?) I want to be the “perfect” patient: informed, following all the guidelines, asking all the “right” questions, cheery but not too much. Just as I’ve always wanted to be the perfect well… everything … to the point where it’s often crippled me to inaction. But, honestly, inaction is kind of what I need right now. I don’t need to seek out information. I don’t need to “perform” in order to receive care. I need to rest. And trust. Rest and trust.