February 3, 2022
I spent my 28th birthday in my childhood bed. After a wonderful January – spirits high, mood great, energy up – I collapsed, as everything that had I had built up over the past month fell out from under me.
It started on February 1st. After cutting the Lady M matcha crepe cake and eating a bitter, creamy slice, Dad, Karen, William, and I gathered around the couch. Dad unloaded on Mom, saying that she hurt him by calling him “not a man,” as he refused to have sex with her. She implicitly accused him of having an affair with his coworker, while he brought up the fact that she is too close with a coworker at church. Finally, things turned to death, and Dad said, “Maybe I'll die in a few years.” William started crying, and I shed some tears.
I went to bed anxious. I texted Allahjah about what happened, and she offered some comfort. I unloaded on Tatiana about her need for validation because she kept playing me about coming over. I felt great about calling her out about her fake ass “aerospace engineering” career, and how I discovered a tweet from her that “she cut things off” with me and that we were “dating” and that I was going to “take her to see Bad Bunny.” I was reminded of the Kanye “CAP” tweet; Tatiana's whole persona is cap.
I couldn't fall asleep because I was so anxious. I had a mild existential crisis; I thought about quitting my boring job and joining a Public Defender office in San Bernardino, Las Vegas, wherever. Everything was too comfortable. Everything was stagnating like Elisa's energy.
I fell asleep around 3 AM and woke up around 8 AM tired. My plan was to get in a long workout at the gym, but my mental health was shit. I laid in bed, occasionally checking work email, watching Pokemon videos, and browsing Fetlife forums. I reset my Tinder profile. I masturbated twice after masturbating in the single digits for the entirety of January. I watched the Rockets and Cavaliers game, and that was the highlight of my birthday: watching Sengun dunk over Mobley and the final sequence from KPJ and Jalen (dagger 3 from KPJ, alley-oop from Jalen to KPJ) to secure the win.
Actually, I was kind of productive. I worked with Haley for two hours on a fun project. I didn't make it to the gym. I kept telling myself that I would take a little nap but that restless nap turned into long sleep into the night and out of my birthday.
Maybe there are a few lessons to take from this:
It is okay to have zero days like my birthday every once and a while.
Maybe the impulses that resulted from that overnight existential crisis are valid.
I am sometimes unnecessarily hard on myself; I need to treat myself better.
Bounce back the following day. I am writing this chronicle on the train on February 3. I made the early 8:24 train to get to work at a reasonable time. I will have a good day and get back on track re: gym, studying for law school, not watching porn, reading, work, etc.